My argument for abortion: Do you get sad when you fart because it had the potential to be a shit? Nope... same thing.

The government should take us all out for pizza and laser tag for being kind of a shitty father lately.

"This is the bridge where my friend Carl killed himself" "But David Im Carl" "I know" *shove* "YOU DONT EAT A MANS LAST STRING CHEESE CARL!"

At what temperature is it acceptable to wear mesh shorts to a job interview?

Mullets are business in the front, party in the back and unemployment and spousal abuse in the middle

Excuse me McDonalds cashier I know I ordered the entire dollar menu, I don't need you staring at me with your judgmental lazy eyes

I could never be in a threesome, the idea of TWO people seeing me cry is just too much to handle.

When taking a dump in a crowded public bathroom and scream "Eat my doodies you dirty porcelain slut!" You're bound to make a few friends.

If you have a question quietly raise your hand and I will grab your hand and pull it towards my genitals because that is funny to me

I dont understand the point of buying babies shoes... is it just so they have more arch support while they step all over your hopes & dreams

The board game Don't Wake Daddy is like training camp for kids with alcoholic fathers.

Does anybody know when The Social Network 2: The Rise of Taj comes out?

Some dude at the bar said something funny so I yelled "I'd star that!" *crickets*...no one understands me except you guys.

I can say this because I have red hair... but our pubes kind of look like we had sex with a bag of Cheetos

I saw a homeless man with a sign that said "Will work for food"... so I dressed up like a banana and made that fucker mow my lawn

Christopher Robin was probably already going to turn out gay, but I think it solidifies it when you hang out with pantsless bears named Pooh

I'm still not convinced Jesus didn't do the whole crucifixion thing JUST for the book deal.

I'd say my least favorite part of the Wonka factory tour was the chocolate syrup bidet, I think it did more harm than good

Only seen my asshole like twice but from what I gathered its just a chewed up piece of bubble yum that's been dropped on a haircuttery floor

Hey people on Wheel of Fortune you get 3 consonants and a vowel, make the immature people watching w/ their parents happy and pick F,C,K & U