I wish I could fav your fav. Then you could fav me faving your fav then I could fav you faving my fav faving your fav until we puke.

Hey guy who didn't want a relationship. Your new girlfriend's pretty.

When I ask 'how's your girlfriend?' and the answer isn't 'dead' I'm sad.

So embarrassing when you accidentally run into someone you slept with at the place you knew they'd be because you're stalking them.

If I delete it from twitter it never happened.

I take premature ejaculation as a compliment.

All I know is his Facebook password isn't 'Ilovejustine1', 'Ilovejustine2' or 'Ilovejustine3' damn.

So 'No Strings' is when I lie to myself & everyone about my feelings & just cry in secret right?

I'm so Jeleos jelaous gel jealous jaelous.

So fucking envious of your spelling abilities.

'No no no, trust me, if you've had one you would know' - What I'm told about dates and orgasms.

I'VE HAD 4 CUPS OF COFFEE THIS MORNING. DID EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND? OH WOW I HAVE EMAIL.

Hey, I forgot. How many calories do you burn per hour crying?

Sobbing at the gym totally ruins the 'I'm not crying I just have sweat in my eyes' excuse.

WARNING: Not having an iPhone will increase eye contact with other human beings.

'FREE HUGS' - but I don't pay for hugs anyway. Joke. I don't hug at all.

I have no idea what I'd do if anyone I've claimed to be in love with ever liked me back.

Lie & tell people you're hungover it's a great excuse for looking like shit & getting them to shut the fuck up & leave you alone.

My favorite Halloween costume is pretentious tattooed girl who's too cool to wear Halloween costumes.

Nothing says 'I'm socially awkward' like one of my hugs.

The whining that dogs do when they miss thier owner reminds me that no one will ever love me that much.