It's easy for a toy to become an adult toy. It's all about location.

I can't masturbate and then head out the door. I need time to process the shame.

If you can't jack off to my tweets, I'm going to have to come over there and jerk it myself.

My vagina called in sick cause it's tired of being poked and spit on.

Fred Durst doesn't give a fuck about you. Listen to his music. He does it for the nookie.

When I reach 100 followers, I'm going to do something epic. Like more tweeting.

I've managed to turn a few guys gay. Some of them are in prison as we speak.

Don't worry about leaving the tampon in. There's enough room for the both of you.

My dick jokes are far in between my vagina jokes.

If being called a faggot offends you, then quit being one.

Morning sex means I get it from behind so we can't smell each other's breath.

Recycling isn't limited to plastics, paper, and glass. It can also include cucumbers for masturbation and home cooking.

True love is making you laugh so hard that you swallow your gum so you can remember this moment for the next 7 years.

It should be a compliment that I rub myself to your tweets, right?

The best way to fuck with someone is to favorite their tweet, then unfavor it.

Does wearing a pad in a pool count as a flotation device?

I'm not trying to change you. I'm just trying to train you into becoming a more tolerant individual to live with.

9 out of 10 times if I say, 'I want to fuck you up,' it's because I haven't gotten laid in awhile and I'm confusing violence with sexuality.

My high school talent show didn't like my demonstration of taking off a guy's pants with my teeth.

I'm not really into small talk unless you consider 'taking off your pants' as such.