Fuck this pressure. 7 new followers.

What the hell do I say now???

Chris Brown... Would you hurry up and become a hologram?

PS... You are a woman beater

I did NOT say "I told you so". When my asst's hoodrat boyfriend broke up with her. Because I'm nice.

Anyone know how many hippies it takes to screw in a lightbulb? C'mon... Hippies only screw in dirty sleeping bags. #occupyportland

I'm gonna RT everytime I see the word BOOBS today.

My Snuggie is sleeveless.

Because: Bad-Ass

There's certain people you don't have to follow. Because you people RT all their good shit.

My 100th follower is getting my cell phone number and my password.

A lot of my tweets end mysteriously.

Or do they?

$4(fucking)50 to get my car fixed.

I hate being a non-car-fixing pussy.

If your CONTACT US link makes me fill out a form... You suck balls.

The worst part about waiting in line is you thinking I wanna talk to you.

Probably easier to find your soulmate on Twitter.

The last 12 mins of my life has been more popular than a Kardashian vagina in an NBA Locker room

Twitter is different than real life. You get to know their minds first here.

Twitter should be called TEASER

All you damn teases.

Hey Shithead... Of course I heard of Blue Moon with an orange slice.

I'll admit. I'm a bitch about my teeth

It would be cool to call a dick-piercing some DING-DING-BLING

Like hey, like can we like, use your like basketball, like Saturday and like Sunday?

-teenage neighbor kid