Still terrified that DMX is gonna smack me with his dick and a mic. Why would he do both?

A moment of silence for those who will actually get "Pajama Jeans" for Christmas. *holds up lighter*

Sex shops are now packed with confused suburban soccer moms trying to recreate a crappily written book. Somewhere, the aliens are laughing.

The thing about all the twtipics with the feet sexily placed on the bathtub faucet? You all have grout mildew. Get some Tilex, yo.

Gonna be a lot of depressed people wandering aimlessly around WalMart tomorrow.

Keep it up. I'm not done unfollowing nutjobs yet.

Working on my LL Cool J lip lick so I don't have to pay for this frozen yogurt...

If you've got a guy named Meat Loaf who will do anything for love but won't do THAT with you, you gotta reevaluate your life, girl.

If you have nothing nice to say...put it in the comments section of some blog or article.

There. Is. Not. Enough. Liquor. For. This. Day.

There is a special place in hell for people at the front of a fast food line who haven't decided what they want yet.

My son on my daughter's gymnastics class: "This is as bad as when Mom took me inside the bra store that time."

Have you SEEN the chick from the Divinyls? No wonder she had to touch herself. #LookaLikeAMan

Two more days until my birthday. Why are you just sitting there?

So do Amish teenagers borrow their parents' wagons to go make out on Friday nights?

I'd guess "Black Friday" is a lot more exciting on porn websites.

"Diary of a Mad Black Woman." is she mad, or "mad black," like Wesley Snipes?

If I have an erection that lasts for more than four hours...it's on like Donkey Kong.

No, no, I'm not dead. Just got a bit bored with the Twitter. Thanks for asking.

People who insist on taking 20 min to back into a parking spot: FUCK YOU.