If Kate Middleton doesn't present the baby to the world from her balcony the same way Rafiki presented Simba, they can go to hell.

A cop stopped me & asked "do you know why I followed you" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail.

If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. Whatever.

Can't believe I just ran over a cat. Haha April Fool's everyone! It was a kid.

I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice.

Happy International Women's day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.

Mitt Romney looks like that guy who puts his arm on the exam paper so no one copies off him.

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

Brain: I'm bored.

Heart: Me too. Let's mess with this idiot.

Brain: Okay. You say one thing & I'll say another.

Heart: Sounds like fun.

Hurricane Sandy is Mother Nature's way of punishing the East Cost for still airing "Jersey Shore" and "Keeping Up With The Kardashians".

Here's what I know about girls. If she's angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.

Cupcakes are just muffins who went to fashion school.

I'm not surprised Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up. I had a feeling that Selena would grow out of this whole lesbian phase.

My favourite part of Lion King is the part where Nick Minaj held up baby Simba.

I saw a unicorn today. Okay fine, I saw a girl who ate her food without Instagramming it first. Same thing.

Sharks are just dolphins who went to the military.

If you think a minute goes by really fast you've never been on a treadmill.

Happy 7th Birthday Twitter. Connecting people online and disconnecting them from reality since 2006.

I'm glad women aren't physically stronger than men cause after destroying our confidence & self-esteem the last thing we'd need is a beating