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Life is too short to remove a USB safely
I touched a midget and now I cant wash my hand because it has magic on it.
Alcohol - because no great story ever started with eating a salad
Something just occurred to me: it must suck to have a hangover and have children at the same time
Today I rocked down Electric Avenue and then I took it higher. Awaiting further instructions.
Whenever I see a really serious tweet, I stare at it for a really long time in case I am missing something hilarious
People think that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy and get married. They are wrong: It is to eat without getting fat
They say that you are what you eat, and that is funny because I doint remember eating a fucking legend
Everybody is entitled to my opinion
Dear girls that pout in photos: you look really stupid
So the moral of Twilight is....it must really suck if you dont have a boyfriend
Whenever 'Im driving in heavy traffic and the car behind me changes his lane, I always wonder what he knows that I don't.
69 Followers, I may want to keep it like that
If this bitch drives any fucking slower she will reverse into me
After an 18 hour drinking binge I created a new dance move and I call it 'the dead cockroach'.
Getting really fucked off that the Dalai Lama wont follow me back.
sad childhood memory - my mon used to tell me that the ice cream truck only played songs when it ran out of ice cream
If I reach 300 followers today, I am going to stand on my desk, rip off my shirts and scream "This is Sparta!!!!!"
Whenever I sleep alone in my bed, I sleep like a starfish.
Can't believe how much snot my body has managed to produce
Whiskey drinking Benonian unwed and unfertilised