Life is too short to remove a USB safely

I touched a midget and now I cant wash my hand because it has magic on it.

Alcohol - because no great story ever started with eating a salad

Something just occurred to me: it must suck to have a hangover and have children at the same time

Today I rocked down Electric Avenue and then I took it higher. Awaiting further instructions.

Whenever I see a really serious tweet, I stare at it for a really long time in case I am missing something hilarious

People think that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy and get married. They are wrong: It is to eat without getting fat

They say that you are what you eat, and that is funny because I doint remember eating a fucking legend

Everybody is entitled to my opinion

Dear girls that pout in photos: you look really stupid

So the moral of Twilight is....it must really suck if you dont have a boyfriend

Whenever 'Im driving in heavy traffic and the car behind me changes his lane, I always wonder what he knows that I don't.

69 Followers, I may want to keep it like that

If this bitch drives any fucking slower she will reverse into me

After an 18 hour drinking binge I created a new dance move and I call it 'the dead cockroach'.

Getting really fucked off that the Dalai Lama wont follow me back.

sad childhood memory - my mon used to tell me that the ice cream truck only played songs when it ran out of ice cream

If I reach 300 followers today, I am going to stand on my desk, rip off my shirts and scream "This is Sparta!!!!!"

Whenever I sleep alone in my bed, I sleep like a starfish.

Can't believe how much snot my body has managed to produce