Women with penciled in eyebrows: You know we know, right?

Sometimes when I yawn I pretend I'm a lion.
You'll never be able to take that away from me.

If I ever go skydiving and I'm not in a superman costume, everything I've ever worked for will have been a waste.

"It's like a headache being expressed outside of your body." -Dubstep

Trying to eat curly fries while driving is like trying to balance monkeys in a barrel. You always lose a few good men.

Blowing raspberries on someone's tummy is a seriously underrated pasttime, given its entertainment value.

Omg I almost hit 2 sorority girls with my car!! Shoot they were wearing their letters too, that would've gotten me at least 5 extra points.

Spent last night at Whole Foods because self righteous hipsters and overpriced organic food was the most American thing I could think of.

Death by torn esophagus
caused by unchewed tortilla chip dagger would have to be the worst way to go.

Called someone a "disease" today and all of a sudden I'm 6 again and eating orange foods and Macaulay Culkin isn't nearly as scary.

Guy at the airport is telling his buddy who's never had In-N-Out that Whataburger is better.

So I'm tweeting instead of getting arrested.

Just drank decaf coffee. It felt so wrong the entire time, like I was drinking a cup of lies. Now I'm a hypocrite in the worst possible way.

My ex asked me what I was doing. I told him I was reading my twitter timeline.
He asked, "What is that?"

Is this what closure feels like?

"Dontchya wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
No, I don't. She's beautiful. You look like you need a good shower and a moral fiber bar.

I've never seen a chandelier in a movie that didn't crash to the ground, so if you put one in your home, you're just asking for trouble.

Walking out of Target with only a single item purchased causes red flashing lights & descending metal bars.
They've never had to do it.

Alton Brown seems like the type of person I would want to avoid a technical argument with at all costs.

Big feet, big... heart?
No? That's not it?

Today's lesson: Stretching your groin with occasional vocal supplements at the gym's crowded pool is a great way to ensure a private lane.

Even if you're the love my life, we are going to have serious problems if you select full-screen over wide-screen on that DVD, mkay pumpkin?