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I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.
I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.
If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.
It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.
In dog years, I'm a bitch.
In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."
I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.
Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.
Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.
I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.
This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.
I wish my cheerful co-worker Tiffany would stop talking to me because faking seizures messes up my hair.
Breath mint or decapitation? Please choose.
All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.