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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

    • 1,004
    • FAVS
    OhhwhoopsArpitaMistyVenusRockHobbitjannable9JoeDarrisISOremarkablekukolikLadyDeeRobin
    • 487
    • RETWEETS
    geishalynLOUD_Thoughts_John26649305VenusRockHobbitRussVentimigliakukolikxosmkcMcCowgirl
    ElephartshanetheveinFadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718Maui_SpeaksTequilaTearsJaySuchdiarrheachopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 643
    • FAVS
    muchjosephJohn26649305VenusRockHobbitjannable9kukolikkcMcCowgirllizzurdBrowneyed_mama
    • 224
    • RETWEETS
    ThatsMyBushNadza_MentalAbortionsVenusRockHobbitcatcervenykukolikkcMcCowgirlJaneSays___
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 541
    • FAVS
    jimlafronzJohn26649305VenusRockHobbitjannable9GoodSCGuykukolikJustFollownRTxosm
    • 290
    • RETWEETS
    jimlafronzVenusRockHobbitGoodSCGuykukolikthatgoopybastrdkcMcCowgirlJaneSays___HRTSMRT
    Just_Lee_Just_Lee_1kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 456
    • FAVS
    ThatsMyBushSwampFoxSlyqueertofuwritessweetbriar61OxbloodAbernthyallisulliOhhwhoopsRasbanda_Manolo
    • 235
    • RETWEETS
    queertofuwriteshunterw33mckennamarilynallisulliMentalAbortionsevem3281OhhwhoopsRasbanda_Manolo
    wesjohnson8JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 391
    • FAVS
    ThatsMyBushSMASHNICOLE_mckennamarilynOhhwhoopsCapeTownBlondeLevanaJebeauxxAndLive2LoveVenusRockHobbit
    • 168
    • RETWEETS
    SMASHNICOLE_MentalAbortionsCelsoPiazziVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyairwalk_11JaneSays___darshan_dedhiya
    cessperience_xLNcchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.

    • 315
    • FAVS
    HonkyTonkJewfillthevacuumThatsMyBushMeldiesattheendAnabelle791OhhwhoopsFrankCurtisBclemwin
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    fillthevacuumThatsMyBushFlyingg_Penguin__MeldiesattheendMentalAbortionsOhhwhoopsclemwinVenusRockHobbit
    LindaInDisguise5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 342
    • FAVS
    MatthewJRooneyAnabelle791OhhwhoopsOneOfTheseNitesPurldclemwinallisulliBounceDatAssLOL
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    OhhwhoopsGreyAreaTweetsA_KuenamatatalitfirebirdVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyJaneSays___crispsigns
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 331
    • FAVS
    clemwinCapeTownBlondeRasbanda_ManoloGMCP_78VenusRockHobbitjannable9redherringbearth_purpl_lady
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    clemwinRasbanda_ManoloVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyScigglezUGANDANCRAZYseanluck13vindworld_
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 304
    • FAVS
    CapeTownBlondeclemwinVenusRockHobbitbluntdesirejannable9ScigglezHRTSMRTGrind_n_Roll
    • 155
    • RETWEETS
    albanner66WaterqueenVenusRockHobbitbluntdesireTlaxBoy05TehNemsterSocial_MimeSureshMKothari
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 343
    • FAVS
    VenusRockHobbitjannable9HRTSMRTHope79907928Grind_n_RolldreamthievinSuitCondQckhd
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    VenusRockHobbitGrind_n_RollQckhdejmichaels1SamuelHLowemoxiebloggerlovemydogduckErroneous404
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 280
    • FAVS
    FlowertottieclemwinRasbanda_ManoloCapeTownBlondemcibtyVenusRockHobbitth_purpl_ladycatcerveny
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManoloGMCP_78VenusRockHobbitcatcervenyGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05WhatevMichelleAJMadison8970
    5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 299
    • FAVS
    CapeTownBlondemcibtySallyBeckett75GMCP_78VenusRockHobbitth_purpl_ladyHRTSMRTGrind_n_Roll
    • 110
    • RETWEETS
    rayyyychVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyTlaxBoy05Social_MimeMatteroffact80IcyInsomniakrishna_van
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 243
    • FAVS
    Rasbanda_ManolomcibtyWaterqueenAndLive2LoveBounceDatAssLOLA_KuenamatataGMCP_78VenusRockHobbit
    • 126
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManoloWaterqueenA_KuenamatataVenusRockHobbitth_purpl_ladycatcervenyGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 249
    • FAVS
    sensiblymadclemwinCapeTownBlondeWaterqueenVenusRockHobbitechobunny9203jimmy_sharpeTlaxBoy05
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    clemwinWaterqueenVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyTlaxBoy05lovemydogduckTw1tter_K1ttendavid_tull
    JaneDozey
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 272
    • FAVS
    LorieGZspartan3855VenusRockHobbitcatcervenyjimmy_sharpeGrind_n_RolldreamthievinQckhd
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    VenusRockHobbitcatcervenyQckhdworley_7lovemydogduckFavstar2501evilidiotparhwy
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 215
    • FAVS
    clemwinVenusRockHobbitarmyantstudioscatcervenyjimmy_sharpeGrind_n_RolldreamthievinSevernjaca
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    clemwinVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyGrind_n_Rollblasphe_meLaFuzzyNoirlovemydogduckSergioValenCo
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

    • 248
    • FAVS
    LorieGZVenusRockHobbitechobunny9203Simin109catcervenyHRTSMRTGrind_n_Rolldreamthievin
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    WaterqueenVenusRockHobbitcatcervenylilirishgrlBareChestylovemydogduckYeahMikeOxlongcaseytduncan
    kkkhid
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Dammit. I lost another Croc in the mosh pit.

    • 202
    • FAVS
    jane_botKevinDeanGanderthe_anastasiaWaterLilyDreamsclemwinAndLive2Lovecrazyeddie1492Ohgoddessitsme
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    JTQuestNecromancyNancyOhgoddessitsmeVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyJonathanLatham0Smug_Lemurkatieholmwood
    calluptome
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 212
    • FAVS
    LorieGZclemwinJohn26649305AndLive2LoveOhgoddessitsmeVenusRockHobbitjaggedapemuseofhistory
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    VenusRockHobbitmuseofhistoryHRTSMRTQckhdlovemydogduckYeahMikeOxlongcaseytduncanGSHOK9
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    LorieGZclemwinWaterqueenGMCP_78OhgoddessitsmeAndLive2LoveVenusRockHobbitdreamthievin
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    clemwinWaterqueenVenusRockHobbitlovemydogduckparhwyOchy_Zacharycatcervenycharlzero
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura
Pro

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper