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I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.
I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
In dog years, I'm a bitch.
It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.
If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.
Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."
All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.
Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.
I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.
Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.
Dammit. I lost another Croc in the mosh pit.
I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.
This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.
apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper
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