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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

    • 1,030
    • FAVS
    justabloodygamechapel3929KentWGrahamanerdonfiresquirrel74wkgnErinEphjlock17wrongchance
    • 504
    • RETWEETS
    chapel3929anerdonfirejlock172thestreetzNada_MorshedyCountMackulakhaleelrahmanscott_towel
    ElephartshanetheveinFadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718Maui_SpeaksTequilaTearsJaySuchdiarrheachopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 599
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamperchicoreedeceased2045DeadGirl707moose_chocolateTheMightyOak12tickytackyMealeyPERRY
    • 323
    • RETWEETS
    KentWGrahamperchicoreeshah1272moose_chocolateNawtyHawtyMinx2tickytackyMealeyPERRYanerdonfire
    Just_Lee_Just_Lee_1kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 669
    • FAVS
    harrytheh1psterDoneEffedUpchapel3929KentWGrahamperchicoreeTeejayRushonelongbenderHeltonKGoins
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    chapel3929perchicoree2thestreetzTeejayRushHeltonKGoinsjlock17Alliboyle08lacybronze1
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 493
    • FAVS
    Yeah_right_surekfeebsNicole39077483teaxstainsJaydeRocksbohokelsofirebrand3celestetrejo_
    • 258
    • RETWEETS
    Yeah_right_sureNicole39077483JustTwinsaneJoshZurekzqvplfirebrand31evilidiotchapel3929
    smintwesjohnson8JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    CoreyKeatonchapel3929KentWGrahamallthingspoeticGun_Daddy___toripicklezohar91Ali_Kourani
    • 235
    • RETWEETS
    chapel3929UncleBob56KhaleddAhmedtoripickleAndee_Stewartolivia_may_beGreenJermzMmePoisse
    LindaInDisguise5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 404
    • FAVS
    katiesweetbeanJDoody523TlaxBoy05KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgnwrongchance2thestreetzMsRedWriting
    • 177
    • RETWEETS
    katiesweetbeanJDoody523TlaxBoy05AndLive2Love2thestreetzBodegaSly__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1
    Elephartcessperienceleft_flankchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 350
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgnwrongchance2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__snickuoussmintjunejuly12WHEREISWALTJNR
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    __iCE_CREAM__nyki_mohhhwhoopsGreyAreaTweetsA_KuenamatatalitfirebirdVenusRockHobbit__catcerveny
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 339
    • FAVS
    Plan_BX2HeadOverHeels_KentWGrahamburiedwithkids2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1junejuly12
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    Plan_BX2KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1clemwinRasbanda_ManoloVenusRockHobbit__
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 308
    • FAVS
    2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1junejuly12CapeTownBlondeclemwinVenusRockHobbit__bluntdesire__
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1albanner66WaterqueenVenusRockHobbit__bluntdesire__TlaxBoy05
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 346
    • FAVS
    buriedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzVenusRockHobbit__jannable9HRTSMRTHope79907928Grind_n_Roll
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    VenusRockHobbit__Grind_n_RollQckhd__ejmichaels1SamuelHLowemoxiebloggerlovemydogduckErroneous404
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 285
    • FAVS
    buriedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzLittleJimmy61ohhhwhoopsFlowertottieclemwinRasbanda_Manolo
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    ohhhwhoopsRasbanda_ManoloGMCP_78VenusRockHobbit__catcervenyGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05WhatevMichelle
    5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 307
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamladytodieforburiedwithkidsDarkerWillowsquirrel74wkgn2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__smint
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    buriedwithkids2thestreetzrayyyychVenusRockHobbit__catcervenyTlaxBoy05Social_MimeMatteroffact80
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamRoseannaChungburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgnswollenvoice2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar25069shadesoftaar2thestreetzejmichaels1Tmoney68ohhhwhoopsRasbanda_ManoloWaterqueen
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1ohhhwhoopssensiblymadclemwinCapeTownBlondeWaterqueen
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    __iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1benittto13ohhhwhoopsFavstar250clemwinWaterqueenVenusRockHobbit__
    JaneDozey
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 277
    • FAVS
    TlaxBoy05KentWGrahamburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzLorieGZspartan3855VenusRockHobbit__
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05VenusRockHobbit__catcervenyQckhd__Gobshite_lovemydogduckFavstar2501evilidiot
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 221
    • FAVS
    jaycubed2kTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgnswollenvoice2thestreetzclemwinVenusRockHobbit__
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    jaycubed2kTlaxBoy0569shadesoftaarclemwinVenusRockHobbit__catcervenyGrind_n_Rollblasphe_me
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Dammit. I lost another Croc in the mosh pit.

    • 216
    • FAVS
    MoronycJDoody523TlaxBoy05KentWGrahamPeterSubtweeter__squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1sevenxx7hbreaker9999MURSEculinitythegayfarmerguy__
    calluptome
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    sweetpepsichickKentWGrahamburiedwithkidsPeterSubtweeter__2thestreetzLorieGZVenusRockHobbit__echobunny9203
    • 55
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05Favstar2502thestreetzWaterqueenVenusRockHobbit__catcervenylilirishgrlBareChesty
    kkkhid
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 199
    • FAVS
    TlaxBoy05KentWGrahamwondrgirl05justwant2wineemsykayThrill_TweeterburiedwithkidsPeterSubtweeter__
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05Radio_Guy_KentWGrahamZedKamuzuwondrgirl05WDinarteburiedwithkids2thestreetz
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 227
    • FAVS
    TlaxBoy05_PBody__mikemaryanoffKentWGrahamllvvzzz42nagirlThrill_TweeterYouthFitnessGuy
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05lllvvvzzzGinaValleyburiedwithkidsElephart2thestreetzejmichaels1VenusRockHobbit__
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper