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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

    • 1,039
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVPolhunterP_PmaniacMichabeanHotelBarrydalefunnybeachgirlIrishDonkeyBadaBinge
    • 509
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianV_PmaniacHotelBarrydaleIrishDonkeyBadaBingechapel3929anerdonfirejlock17
    ElephartshanetheveinFadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718Maui_SpeaksSkunkFartsJaySuchdiarrheachopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 607
    • FAVS
    NathanpehlerComedianDorianVPolhunterPPetrickSarascott_towelMichabeanIrishDonkeyBadaBinge
    • 332
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVMichabeanManicmommy70lucyworld1IrishDonkeyjimbobimbasRacheyBatcheyBadaBinge
    Just_Lee___Just_Lee_1__kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 689
    • FAVS
    NathanpehlerComedianDorianVJustUnstableMeadanzqueenaperdillCatherineinALPolhunterPMichabean
    • 247
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVadanzqueenPolhunterPIrishDonkeyrockchick_ajayRacheyBatcheyBadaBingeoracle682
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 504
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVfionaETdcolemanuk_ky_jellyfishPolhunterPIrishDonkeyheadstrong_girlMaxine12333
    • 269
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVNarimaneTamerdcolemanuktheotherkendra_ky_jellyfishIrishDonkeyEvil24601headstrong_girl
    smintwesjohnson8JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.

    • 437
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVMichabeanKemie_08IrishDonkeyCpez38RicVallanceBadaBingetoujours_fab
    • 239
    • RETWEETS
    Kemie_08BadaBingeMsSScandal__absintherunneranerdonfireStephie_LarkRubberGlueFUdavetureq
    LindaInDisguise5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 414
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVWhoopdeedoo22IrishDonkeySocialCoJaneBadaBingeBernadetteArau1absintherunnerNVR2GRN
    • 184
    • RETWEETS
    IrishDonkeyRacheyBatcheyBadaBingeabsintherunnerNVR2GRNanerdonfirehilaryfairieGFoyet
    Elephartcessperienceleft_flankchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 360
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVMisterWarrfunnybeachgirlIrishDonkeyTheEighthKnight__BadaBingeN0tSebastianMsSScandal__
    • 142
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeoracle682MsSScandal__anerdonfire__iCE_CREAM__nyki_m
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 342
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingePlan_BX2HeadOverHeels_KentWGrahamburiedwithkids2thestreetz
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyPlan_BX2KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1clemwin
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 314
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVMichabeanIrishDonkeyBadaBingeEightyoneTimesRubberGlueFU2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__
    • 161
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyRubberGlueFU2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1albanner66Waterqueen
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 349
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzVenusRockHobbit__jannable9
    • 113
    • RETWEETS
    IrishDonkeyVenusRockHobbit__Grind_n_RollQckhd__ejmichaels1SamuelHLowemoxiebloggerlovemydogduck
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 289
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVMichabeanIrishDonkeyBadaBingeburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzLittleJimmy61
    • 139
    • RETWEETS
    IrishDonkeyBadaBingeohhhwhoopsRasbanda_ManoloGMCP_78VenusRockHobbit__catcervenyGrind_n_Roll
    5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 313
    • FAVS
    NathanpehlerComedianDorianV2muchimfochrismerrillIrishDonkeyBadaBingeKentWGrahamladytodiefor
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVchrismerrillIrishDonkeyburiedwithkids2thestreetzrayyyychVenusRockHobbit__catcerveny
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 258
    • FAVS
    BettyJo_09ComedianDorianVkimjongtroisMichabeanWhoopdeedoo22IrishDonkeyKentWGrahamRoseannaChung
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeFavstar25069shadesoftaar2thestreetzejmichaels1Tmoney68
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 262
    • FAVS
    youlooklikeamomComedianDorianVSmooheedscott_towelBlunt_SarcasticBhenthMichabeanIrishDonkey
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVscott_towelMichabeanIrishDonkeyBadaBinge__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1benittto13
    JaneDozey
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 282
    • FAVS
    BettyJo_09youlooklikeamomComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamburiedwithkids
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyTlaxBoy05VenusRockHobbit__catcervenyQckhd__Gobshite_lovemydogduck
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 224
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingejaycubed2kTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgnswollenvoice
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    IrishDonkeyjaycubed2kTlaxBoy0569shadesoftaarclemwinVenusRockHobbit__catcervenyGrind_n_Roll
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Dammit. I lost another Croc in the mosh pit.

    • 219
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeMoronycJDoody523TlaxBoy05KentWGrahamPeterSubtweeter__
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeTlaxBoy05squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1sevenxx7
    calluptome
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 232
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVWhoopdeedoo22amandajpandaIrishDonkeyBadaBingeTlaxBoy05_PBody__mikemaryanoff
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    amandajpandaIrishDonkeyBadaBingeTlaxBoy05lllvvvzzzGinaValleyburiedwithkidsElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 204
    • FAVS
    ComedianDorianVMichabeanIrishDonkeyCpez38BadaBingeTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamwondrgirl05
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    IrishDonkeyTlaxBoy05Radio_Guy_KentWGrahamZedKamuzuwondrgirl05WDinarteburiedwithkids
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

    • 254
    • FAVS
    BadaBingechaggard12KentWGrahamburiedwithkidsPeterSubtweeter__2thestreetzLorieGZVenusRockHobbit__
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    IrishDonkeyBadaBingeTlaxBoy05Favstar2502thestreetzWaterqueenVenusRockHobbit__catcerveny
    kkkhid
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper

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