I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

In dog years, I'm a bitch.

In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

Breath mint or decapitation? Please choose.

You would think a smurf would taste a little like blueberries but he tasted more like squirrel with a lot more gristle.

I wish my cheerful co-worker Tiffany would stop talking to me because faking seizures messes up my hair.

My feet are freezing but I can't put on my shoes until my pedicure dries. Now I know how Gandhi felt.

Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

Grown women who talk in a little girl voice freak me out more than clowns.