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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

    • 1,027
    • FAVS
    anerdonfiresquirrel74wkgnErinEphjlock17wrongchance2thestreetzCountMackulascott_towel
    • 503
    • RETWEETS
    anerdonfirejlock172thestreetzNada_MorshedyCountMackulakhaleelrahmanscott_towelameatlarge__
    ElephartshanetheveinFadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718Maui_SpeaksTequilaTearsJaySuchdiarrheachopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 597
    • FAVS
    deceased2045DeadGirl707moose_chocolateTheMightyOak12tickytackyMealeyPERRYEbowHouseanerdonfire
    • 321
    • RETWEETS
    shah1272moose_chocolateNawtyHawtyMinx2tickytackyMealeyPERRYanerdonfireHeltonKGoinsBenCrapman
    Just_Lee_Just_Lee_1kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 664
    • FAVS
    TeejayRushonelongbenderHeltonKGoinsLaBelleMaejlock17nikkifacefulAlliboyle08lacybronze1
    • 235
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetzTeejayRushHeltonKGoinsjlock17Alliboyle08lacybronze1WheelTod__iCE_CREAM__
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 481
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgnwrongchance2thestreetzPurvoActual__iCE_CREAM__ValleyMegtiemespankmeCountMackula
    • 247
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetztiemespankmecbassyoMlevi_ChakariCountMackulasalamingiayogivemeabeatDurtMcHurtt
    smintwesjohnson8JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 400
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgnwrongchance2thestreetzMsRedWritingFancyNancyAnn__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1LetsGet9ined
    • 174
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2Love2thestreetzBodegaSly__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1junejuly12SMASHNICOLE_MentalAbortions
    Elephartcessperience_xLNcchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.

    • 366
    • FAVS
    CatherineLMKsquirrel74wkgnRedMoloko2thestreetzaKhalifa101mesocool14countryclubhellthe_rock_chic
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzViolent2Dope304WanderingLeoleechee420mcibtydaniel_frijolesskinny_lace
    LindaInDisguise5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 350
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgnwrongchance2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__snickuoussmintjunejuly12WHEREISWALTJNR
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    __iCE_CREAM__nyki_mohhhwhoops__GreyAreaTweetsA_KuenamatatalitfirebirdVenusRockHobbitcatcerveny
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 335
    • FAVS
    2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1junejuly12clemwinCapeTownBlondeRasbanda_ManoloGMCP_78
    • 132
    • RETWEETS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1clemwinRasbanda_ManoloVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyScigglez
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 308
    • FAVS
    2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1junejuly12CapeTownBlondeclemwinVenusRockHobbitbluntdesire__
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1albanner66WaterqueenVenusRockHobbitbluntdesire__TlaxBoy05
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 345
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzVenusRockHobbitjannable9HRTSMRTHope79907928Grind_n_Rolldreamthievin
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    VenusRockHobbitGrind_n_RollQckhdejmichaels1SamuelHLowemoxiebloggerlovemydogduckErroneous404
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 284
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzLittleJimmy61ohhhwhoops__FlowertottieclemwinRasbanda_ManoloCapeTownBlonde
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    ohhhwhoops__Rasbanda_ManoloGMCP_78VenusRockHobbitcatcervenyGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05WhatevMichelle
    5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 304
    • FAVS
    DarkerWillowsquirrel74wkgn2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__smintCapeTownBlondemcibtySallyBeckett75
    • 111
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetzrayyyychVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyTlaxBoy05Social_MimeMatteroffact80IcyInsomnia
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 251
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgnswollenvoice2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1bibbitybobbinNurseKimaaaohhhwhoops__
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar25069shadesoftaar2thestreetzejmichaels1Tmoney68ohhhwhoops__Rasbanda_ManoloWaterqueen
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1ohhhwhoops__sensiblymadclemwinCapeTownBlondeWaterqueen
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    __iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1benittto13ohhhwhoops__Favstar250clemwinWaterqueenVenusRockHobbit
    JaneDozey
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 274
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzLorieGZspartan3855VenusRockHobbitcatcervenyjimmy_sharpeGrind_n_Roll
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    VenusRockHobbitcatcervenyQckhdGobshite_lovemydogduckFavstar2501evilidiotparhwy
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 218
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgnswollenvoice2thestreetzclemwinVenusRockHobbitarmyantstudioscatcervenyjimmy_sharpe
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    69shadesoftaarclemwinVenusRockHobbitcatcervenyGrind_n_Rollblasphe_meLaFuzzyNoirlovemydogduck
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Dammit. I lost another Croc in the mosh pit.

    • 214
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1gayunicornpoohbreaker9999wanderlust_0TabneriumTeaBeaPea
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1sevenxx7hbreaker9999MURSEculinitythegayfarmerguyTmoney68
    calluptome
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

    • 249
    • FAVS
    2thestreetzLorieGZVenusRockHobbitechobunny9203Simin109catcervenyHRTSMRTGrind_n_Roll
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetzWaterqueenVenusRockHobbitcatcervenylilirishgrlBareChestylovemydogduckYeahMikeOxlong
    kkkhid
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzboothairsgtblueeyesNowYouSeeHerbibbitybobbinLorieGZclemwin
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetzboothairJYoung2319NowYouSeeHerTmoney68clemwinWaterqueenVenusRockHobbit
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 215
    • FAVS
    squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1LorieGZclemwinJohn26649305AndLive2LoveOhgoddessitsme
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    2thestreetzejmichaels1VenusRockHobbitmuseofhistoryHRTSMRTQckhdlovemydogduckYeahMikeOxlong
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper