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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

    • 876
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83ibid78ecahZamoraHumorParasitenocturnologyfuzzlimecalluptomeBillyLeishman
    • 411
    • RETWEETS
    caseytduncancoIonel_sandersverbstbiancamyabutaGooSelifeHoardingEnablerSophLeezaparhwy
    FadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718Maui_Speaks______TequilaTearsJaySuchdiarrheachopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 576
    • FAVS
    shanetheveinElle__Perrydwtorres83ibid78CVTBabyMrNickJCKryseybRasbanda_Manolo
    • 188
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_Manolodarkvadrthatdutchpersonsfreeze6SuvieDCcaseytduncanCliona99Ohgoddessitsme
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 467
    • FAVS
    shanetheveindwtorres83CVTBabyMonicann86david_tullthatcarlygirlNicoleroxxuWoodyLuvsCoffee
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    teens04CVTBabydavid_tulldwtlcambreWebbPaganfingerWoodyLuvsCoffeejrmidkiffGretzky1972
    Just_Lee_1kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 393
    • FAVS
    shanetheveindwtorres83NikHimselfCVTBabyibid78Token_GeezercaseytduncanHumorParasite
    • 194
    • RETWEETS
    dwtorres83teens04CVTBabyparhwyOchy_ZacharymybigridecatcervenyNada_Morshedy
    wesjohnson8JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 339
    • FAVS
    Genny_jellodwtorres83samyokumcydnizoidavid_tullibid78MrNickJCKryseyb
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    Grootbalascydnizoidavid_tullL_E_Maysfreeze6caseytduncanparhwySgraham231
    cessperience_xLNcchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 316
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83CVTBabyibid78MrNickJCdrainyowbrainKryseybmailman3162JackleonardBirt
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    skullyjones2scrayfishraysfreeze6anarchicwolfparhwyMarcmywords2TheAlexNevil_Kizzzy
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 291
    • FAVS
    CVTBabyDjd__1Inked_DameSolitaryMobjessicasmilingCaballoDeAtiIaohitsdvdericbove
    • 108
    • RETWEETS
    onume_TraceySawatzkyakaNanettesnydapuga74shanetheveindwtorres83verikhool
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 256
    • FAVS
    Genny_jellozinni426dwtorres83CVTBabydavid_tullibid78caseytduncanbatmanstick
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    dwtorres83david_tullbenittto2Favstar250caseytduncanparhwy2thestreetzOchy_Zachary
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 279
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83CVTBabydonnasammydavid_tullibid78Shroom67caseytduncanparhwy
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    david_tullShroom67caseytduncanparhwytanagoodwinmellimelleeconprofessor1HatesNiceThings
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 258
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83ibid78ecahZamoraKaliFenclAntonioComedycaseytduncancurlygirly62photoguru_jo
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyecahZamoraTweetWentLauraAntonioComedycaseytduncanphotoguru_jobenittto3Favstar250
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 221
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerdbgindycuddle_puddletaggart_stewartFattMernandezall_about_todaychuzlaCaballoNegrito
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    CroweJamEricZorndwtorres83MariusStefi247KingSchioldandavid_tullZelfirinofunTweeters
    5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 230
    • FAVS
    shanetheveinGenny_jellodwtorres83samyokumdavid_tullibid78stellarjulez808mlmmlmmlm
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    Genny_jellodavid_tullTweetWentLauracaseytduncantaitutuanarchicwolfparhwyfavstar_history
    JaneDozey
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 249
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83ibid78caseytduncananarchicwolfphotoguru_joPhilipGriffithparhwytanagoodwin
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    parhwymellimelleSgraham231TheAlexNevilmagenta_crayonsJewelsb1980Tierno158BaadKitty13______
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

    • 230
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83ibid78stellarjulez808caseytduncanfuzzlimePauline06081815parhwyDirty_Naomi
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    YeahMikeOxlongcaseytduncanPauline06081815parhwyohfuckno741evilidiotmagenta_crayonsMarcoMecelli
    kkkhid
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83ibid78RomeoDeVoidcaseytduncanWee_trout________parhwyTheLoinRangerPFitzpa
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    caseytduncanWee_trout________parhwyTheLoinRangerGemmaRaphaelDirty_Naomialexisarynmcursexybaker______
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 168
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83ibid78GSHOK9parhwyCBNovelscatcervenyDirty_NaomiKingPatrick24
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    parhwyOchy_ZacharycatcervenycharlzeroLdaharringtonseanyeattsTheAlexNevilBrushUrTeeth_03
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83ibid78ecahZamorastellarjulez808savage_wienerRomeoDeVoidcaseytduncanfuzzlime
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    YeahMikeOxlongcaseytduncanGSHOK9parhwyNamekiraguOchy_ZacharyDanWeLL8rayyyych
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 172
    • FAVS
    cloudypianosdwtorres83_Ms_Moneypenny_thejessbessTheBatfinkmerkmeleeJermHimselfishLoFishy
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    LikeThePlanetHuber138steve_411ibid78HijoDelHelmsleymak718rals_ballsstellarjulez808
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I wish my cheerful co-worker Tiffany would stop talking to me because faking seizures messes up my hair.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83david_tullibid78SuvieDCRomeoDeVoidcaseytduncanSirAfiqahlambocookie
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    david_tullSuvieDCcaseytduncanparhwyAdrianYoung10Krazykatlady79TheAlexNevilDILisPerfect
    MasterOfFuryAdam14
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Breath mint or decapitation? Please choose.

    • 169
    • FAVS
    dwtorres83parhwyDirty_Naomilgbk44sarita7108TheAlexNevilJermHimselfishtissytassy13______
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    parhwyTheAlexNevilmagenta_crayonsterawray27samheydenreichispypandaJust_Lee_1Lakeoconeebldr
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura
Pro

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper