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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

    • 981
    • FAVS
    MobyTitsericONEderfulAdamFortwenglerRandalGenetrickortreat_btScigglezCrooksinHELLlacrossemom5
    • 477
    • RETWEETS
    ScigglezpointsymmetricThisDaddys_BlogSteveSwandaCheeseboy22Miniwheats2012Grind_n_Rollkrishna_van
    ElephartshanetheveinFadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718Maui_SpeaksTequilaTearsJaySuchdiarrheachopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 634
    • FAVS
    ScigglezTheOKndBurtslorpfunny_bone80kekbarbaraGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05_jennjenn
    • 216
    • RETWEETS
    ScigglezRandiiPantsjimmy_sharpeTlaxBoy05CM_ovoxodreamthievinSocial_MimeQckhd
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 530
    • FAVS
    ScigglezHRTSMRTdxblarssonENGGrind_n_RollallijhighballTlaxBoy05dreamthievinTehNemster
    • 283
    • RETWEETS
    HRTSMRTdxblarssonENGGrind_n_RollGurrdyGirlTlaxBoy05Social_MimeFeliBLerMalllvvvzzz
    Just_Lee_Just_Lee_1kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 437
    • FAVS
    ScigglezHRTSMRTGrind_n_Rollnerdcula_jennjennSkullXX_RosedreamthievinBobDonnelly6
    • 221
    • RETWEETS
    SkullXX_RosedreamthievincrispsignsSocial_MimeFeliBLerMatrialfemmelllvvvzzzElephart
    wesjohnson8JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 379
    • FAVS
    ScigglezHRTSMRTGrind_n_Rollmargaretiakrishna_vanJust4funsaSocial_MimeQckhd
    • 161
    • RETWEETS
    darshan_dedhiyakrishna_vanJust4funsaSocial_MimelllvvvzzzIsmaeelo_DashElephartThee1_4U
    cessperience_xLNcchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.

    • 302
    • FAVS
    CaffeinewomenP8NT4RMudvilleOutlooknoorrr_MILF_ificentOnlyTheOmegaviolet_heartiniGreenMonk
    • 155
    • RETWEETS
    YourFriendNinaCaffeinewomenFu_JuiceDawnOfTheCyniciGreenMonkScigglezmiddleeasternnJTQuest
    LindaInDisguise5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 327
    • FAVS
    HRTSMRTGrind_n_RolldreamthievinBarrboniSocial_MimeSevernjacaMmeLaCrooztrialfemme
    • 127
    • RETWEETS
    crispsignsSocial_MimelllvvvzzzElephartPukingBuffalokrishna_vanJennieGreenhillSamuelHLowe
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 341
    • FAVS
    HRTSMRTHope79907928Grind_n_RolldreamthievinSuitCondQckhdSevernjacaejmichaels1
    • 111
    • RETWEETS
    Grind_n_RollQckhdejmichaels1SamuelHLowemoxiebloggerlovemydogduckErroneous404kwirkyKerri
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 299
    • FAVS
    ScigglezHRTSMRTGrind_n_Rollallijhighballalistaire_leighTlaxBoy05dreamthievinTehNemster
    • 151
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05TehNemsterSocial_MimeSureshMKothariirishd247wendyraepearcebbyvelociraptorMrShuggoth
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 323
    • FAVS
    ScigglezBaconBeerTacosGrind_n_RollBlondAmbitionTOUGANDANCRAZYSoundsLockezgbettyOhgoddessitsme
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    ScigglezUGANDANCRAZYseanluck13vindworld_Papa_Mexgordoguzmandaemonic3AudioSapian
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 271
    • FAVS
    ScigglezHRTSMRTcaseyhatesboysGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05davidwgallnerdculachullymorton
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    Grind_n_RollTlaxBoy05WhatevMichelleAJMadison8970dreamthievinandymerzChristenPlizzurd
    5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 293
    • FAVS
    HRTSMRTGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05dreamthievintaggart_stewartSocial_MimeQckhdSevernjaca
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05Social_MimeMatteroffact80IcyInsomniakrishna_vanSamuelHLoweTTruemanBareChesty
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 236
    • FAVS
    Scigglezjimmy_sharpeHRTSMRTGrind_n_RollTannyDucaprincesslisa20WaddlesLuvrODeadInside
    • 120
    • RETWEETS
    Grind_n_RollTlaxBoy05CM_ovoxodreamthievinQckhddarlinggirl23DurtMcHurttGiddythefuckup
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 243
    • FAVS
    jimmy_sharpeTlaxBoy05dreamthievinSevernjacaStephenBCramerworley_7TangyToastBareChesty
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05lovemydogduckTw1tter_K1ttendavid_tullTweetWentLauracaseytduncantaitutuanarchicwolf
    JaneDozey
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 268
    • FAVS
    jimmy_sharpeGrind_n_RolldreamthievinQckhdSevernjacaincognytoeStephenBCramerworley_7
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    Qckhdworley_7lovemydogduckFavstar2501evilidiotparhwymellimelleSgraham231
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 211
    • FAVS
    jimmy_sharpeGrind_n_RolldreamthievinSevernjacarumandrocksDrDweezilStephenBCramerDellaLux
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    Grind_n_Rollblasphe_meLaFuzzyNoirlovemydogduckSergioValenCocaseytduncanWee_troutparhwy
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

    • 243
    • FAVS
    HRTSMRTGrind_n_RolldreamthievinSevernjacaStephenBCramerworley_7lilirishgrlDaFiendR
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    lilirishgrlBareChestylovemydogduckYeahMikeOxlongcaseytduncanPauline06081815parhwyohfuckno74________
    kkkhid
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 206
    • FAVS
    jaggedapemuseofhistoryHRTSMRTGrind_n_RolldreamthievinJaneBadallQckhdDrDweezil
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    museofhistoryHRTSMRTQckhdlovemydogduckYeahMikeOxlongcaseytduncanGSHOK9parhwy
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 178
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinQckhdSevernjacaDrDweezilStephenBCramerTangyToastBareChestylovemydogduck
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckparhwyOchy_ZacharycatcervenycharlzeroLdaharringtonseanyeattsTheAlexNevil
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I wish my cheerful co-worker Tiffany would stop talking to me because faking seizures messes up my hair.

    • 199
    • FAVS
    HRTSMRTGrind_n_Rollmargaretiakrishna_vandreamthievinStephenBCramerworley_7TangyToast
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vanlovemydogduckdavid_tullSuvieDCcaseytduncanparhwyAdrianYoung10Krazykatlady79
    MasterOfFuryAdam14
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura
Pro

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper