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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Gift @Kali_Mura Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 1,067
    • LIKES
    whitetail9TrinaRose84tcrawtedTrevHaviBeccaCardiagraciano_almaMajorT0MDudeImWasted
    • 524
    • RETWEETS
    workpantsplit__tcrawtedDudeImWastednurfadzlihamomieadamspipa_melocjtrrsAnt_F3ltz
    MentalAbortionsElephartshanetheveinFadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718__Maui_SpeaksSkunkFartsJaySuchCokeyBlaylock__chopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 619
    • LIKES
    stevow_716charmfozamongst_tragedyjaynecomplainsdeutschheutegarrettbarry70Scottzilla667eliostroy
    • 341
    • RETWEETS
    charmfozamongst_tragedydcsweenjaynecomplainsdeutschheutegarrettbarry70Scottzilla667Mind_fukk__
    Just_Lee___Just_Lee_1__kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 699
    • LIKES
    ParrtyCathippocroteezcharmfozjaynecomplainsgarrettbarry70Mind_fukk__Tups13ManpreetJessy
    • 253
    • RETWEETS
    charmfozjaynecomplainsgarrettbarry70Mind_fukk__ManpreetJessyImsohoppyComedianDorianVadanzqueen
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 511
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezKaypanRanilAmelia_DrawsImsohoppyLove140ArtXtalhg47ComedianDorianV
    • 273
    • RETWEETS
    stevow_716ManpreetJessyImsohoppyhg47ComedianDorianVNarimaneTamerdcolemanuktheotherkendra
    thatguysinghwesjohnson8__JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.

    • 443
    • LIKES
    FArifeenArsalan_Hayat_leifromloihirachel2manypawsnotenoughwine__hippocroteezMrGravewalkerwellSpeaks__
    • 242
    • RETWEETS
    beckyitterBadGluteusrachel2manypawshippocroteezmellowbear4Mind_fukk__youbruineditImsohoppy
    LindaInDisguise5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 418
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezwellSpeaks__Mind_fukk__BruppFWTXComedianDorianVWhoopdeedoo22IrishDonkeySocialCoJane
    • 185
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukk__IrishDonkeyRacheyBatcheyBadaBingeabsintherunner__NVR2GRN__anerdonfire__hilaryfairie
    Elephartcessperience_xLNcchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

    Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

    • 327
    • LIKES
    BeckMessyDeskg3tShreddedDwHavocLilGemimaCYungHighWalker_DylanWalker_DamenMcGurksaam_maay
    • 194
    • RETWEETS
    MandyRainattonisheschiYungHighWalkernatebehar11abilindsay_heathesaurussaliyahgill8BINGBINGREAD
    ComedianDorianVTheAlexNevil
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 362
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezMind_fukk__ComedianDorianVMisterWarrfunnybeachgirlIrishDonkeyItisTek__BadaBinge
    • 143
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukk__ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeoracle682__MsSScandal__anerdonfire____iCE_CREAM__
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 347
    • LIKES
    Comedian1LinersMind_fukk__betowmxTups13hg47ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBinge
    • 139
    • RETWEETS
    Comedian1LinersMind_fukk__Tups13ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyPlan_BX2KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgn
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 317
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezMind_fukk__Tups13ComedianDorianVMichabeanIrishDonkeyBadaBingeEightyoneTimes
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukk__ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyRubberGlueFU2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1albanner66
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 351
    • LIKES
    wellSpeaks__Mind_fukk__ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetz
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    mallopesMind_fukk__IrishDonkeyVenusRockHobbit__grind_n_roll__Qckhd__ejmichaels1SamuelHlowe__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 304
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezMind_fukk__quirkismsHockeyGoddess24faulkingwayVice_QueenbetowmxTups13
    • 149
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukk__HockeyGoddess24faulkingwayVice_QueenbetowmxTups13rankingTweets__hg47
    hg475hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 318
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezcrazy_me79ashgrashbetowmxTups13NathanpehlerComedianDorianV2muchimfo
    • 118
    • RETWEETS
    betowmxadele655321Tups13ComedianDorianVSPAC3CRAFIrishDonkeyburiedwithkids2thestreetz
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 259
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezBettyJo_09ComedianDorianVgapperlaughsMichabeanWhoopdeedoo22IrishDonkeyKentWGraham
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeFavstar25069shadesoftaar2thestreetzejmichaels1Tmoney68
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 266
    • LIKES
    Mind_fukk__Tups13BruppFWTXhg47youlooklikeamomComedianDorianVSmooheedscott_towel
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukk__ComedianDorianVscott_towelMichabeanIrishDonkeyBadaBinge__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1
    JaneDozey__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 282
    • LIKES
    BettyJo_09youlooklikeamomComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyBadaBingeTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamburiedwithkids
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    ComedianDorianVIrishDonkeyTlaxBoy05VenusRockHobbit__catcervenyQckhd__Gobshite_lovemydogduck
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 233
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezcelina_clayKaseyfanmariahwellSpeaks__iconodulyPenguinCrystalawkwardphilippeMind_fukk__
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    wellSpeaks__mellowbear4PenguinCrystalawkwardphilippeMind_fukk__IrishDonkeyjaycubed2kTlaxBoy05
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Dammit. I lost another Croc in the mosh pit.

    • 220
    • LIKES
    scgrmomDagaDanzigfemme_penalchuckperschauumplsstopCreamerfan11evilidiotrdagostino6
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    DagaDanzigAdrianSurnameumplsstopmoose_chocolate__natalieeportman1evilidiotNightWritergrrrRUFknKiddingMe
    calluptome
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 210
    • LIKES
    hippocroteezwhiteliquidpprRadioSweetiebetowmxTups13hg47ComedianDorianVMichabean
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    betowmxTups13IrishDonkeyTlaxBoy05Analogue_Man_KentWGrahamZedKamuzuwondrgirl05
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 238
    • LIKES
    hippocroteeztjnomie79__ThatsNot_Right__Mind_fukk__Tups13nowarrantyComedianDorianVWhoopdeedoo22
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukk__amandajpandaIrishDonkeyBadaBingeTlaxBoy05lllvvvzzzGinaValleyburiedwithkids
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper

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