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  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.

    • 1,032
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeTorriablejustabloodygamechapel3929KentWGrahamanerdonfiresquirrel74wkgnErinEph
    • 505
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingechapel3929anerdonfirejlock172thestreetzNada_MorshedyCountMackulakhaleelrahman
    ElephartshanetheveinFadeAway2MasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________charlzeroCroweJamPrincessBailyllvvzzzlucyworld1ima_pterodactylSarcasmo718Maui_SpeaksSkunkFartsJaySuchdiarrheachopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

    • 600
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeKentWGrahamperchicoreedeceased2045DeadGirl707moose_chocolateTheMightyOak12tickytacky
    • 327
    • RETWEETS
    jimbobimbasRacheyBatcheyBadaBingeRubberGlueFUKentWGrahamperchicoreeshah1272moose_chocolate
    Just_Lee_Just_Lee_1kkkhidBarebakAssassinchopper4jkMaxine12333YearOfRat
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

    • 678
    • FAVS
    arna_janeRacheyBatcheycharrrllaaBadaBingeLocoHashimanerdonfireSetsfiendRubberGlueFU
    • 243
    • RETWEETS
    arna_janeRacheyBatcheyBadaBingeoracle682anerdonfireRubberGlueFUchapel3929perchicoree
    chopper4jkYearOfRatCpez38
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

    • 498
    • FAVS
    headstrong_girlMaxine12333RacheyBatcheyBadaBingeanerdonfireYeah_right_surekfeebsNicole39077483
    • 263
    • RETWEETS
    Evil24601headstrong_girllucyworld1BadaBingeanerdonfireYeah_right_sureNicole39077483JustTwinsane
    smintwesjohnson8JTQuest
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Stop screaming. I’m trying to flirt.

    • 433
    • FAVS
    RicVallanceBadaBingeonce_fabulousMsSScandal__llovelyLaineabsintherunneranerdonfireNauseaTingly
    • 239
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingeMsSScandal__absintherunneranerdonfireStephie_LarkRubberGlueFUdavetureqchapel3929
    LindaInDisguise5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

    • 411
    • FAVS
    SocialCoJaneBadaBingeBernadetteArau1absintherunnerNVR2GRNanerdonfirehilaryfairieGFoyet
    • 183
    • RETWEETS
    RacheyBatcheyBadaBingeabsintherunnerNVR2GRNanerdonfirehilaryfairieGFoyetJDoody523
    Elephartcessperienceleft_flankchopper4jk
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In dog years, I'm a bitch.

    • 356
    • FAVS
    TheEighthKnightBadaBingeN0tSebastianMsSScandal__anerdonfireRubberGlueFUsquirrel74wkgnwrongchance
    • 140
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingeoracle682MsSScandal__anerdonfire__iCE_CREAM__nyki_mohhhwhoopsGreyAreaTweets
    kkkhidMasterOfFuryDukeOfOyl________ShortWhiteNUgly__
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    It's amazing how you can get out of meetings with just a little clown make-up and an axe.

    • 340
    • FAVS
    BadaBingePlan_BX2HeadOverHeels_KentWGrahamburiedwithkids2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    Plan_BX2KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1clemwinRasbanda_ManoloVenusRockHobbit__
    SmooheedcharlzeroMidgetsparElephart
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If you ask me a question and then interrupt me while I’m answering, I’ll go silent and glare at you until one of us is dead.

    • 311
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeEightyoneTimesRubberGlueFU2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1junejuly12CapeTownBlonde
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    RubberGlueFU2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1albanner66WaterqueenVenusRockHobbit__bluntdesire__
    thedayofthedot5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Can a garbage disposal grind down a human femur? I'm asking for a friend.

    • 347
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzVenusRockHobbit__jannable9HRTSMRTHope79907928
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    VenusRockHobbit__Grind_n_RollQckhd__ejmichaels1SamuelHLowemoxiebloggerlovemydogduckErroneous404
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

    • 286
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzLittleJimmy61ohhhwhoopsFlowertottieclemwin
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingeohhhwhoopsRasbanda_ManoloGMCP_78VenusRockHobbit__catcervenyGrind_n_RollTlaxBoy05
    5hael
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    In my defense, your Honor, the woman wouldn't stop saying "okey dokey."

    • 308
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeKentWGrahamladytodieforburiedwithkidsDarkerWillowsquirrel74wkgn2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    buriedwithkids2thestreetzrayyyychVenusRockHobbit__catcervenyTlaxBoy05Social_MimeMatteroffact80
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    All I want is a guy who will take over pedaling the tandem bike while I clothesline random strangers.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamRoseannaChungburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgnswollenvoice2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1
    • 132
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingeFavstar25069shadesoftaar2thestreetzejmichaels1Tmoney68ohhhwhoopsRasbanda_Manolo
    charlzerodaemonic3
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Sometimes I get scared that Twitter isn't real & that everyone I'm following is just one of my personalities.

    • 254
    • FAVS
    BadaBinge2thestreetz__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1ohhhwhoopssensiblymadclemwinCapeTownBlonde
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBinge__iCE_CREAM__ejmichaels1benittto13ohhhwhoopsFavstar250clemwinWaterqueen
    JaneDozey
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I just saw a 70 year old man jogging with his shirt folded up like a belly shirt and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves into a knot.

    • 278
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamburiedwithkidssquirrel74wkgn2thestreetzLorieGZspartan3855
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05VenusRockHobbit__catcervenyQckhd__Gobshite_lovemydogduckFavstar2501evilidiot
    PantsDonkeyMothpete
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Hey, sexy. This straightjacket isn’t going to remove itself.

    • 222
    • FAVS
    BadaBingejaycubed2kTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamsquirrel74wkgnswollenvoice2thestreetzclemwin
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    jaycubed2kTlaxBoy0569shadesoftaarclemwinVenusRockHobbit__catcervenyGrind_n_Rollblasphe_me
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Dammit. I lost another Croc in the mosh pit.

    • 217
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeMoronycJDoody523TlaxBoy05KentWGrahamPeterSubtweeter__squirrel74wkgn2thestreetz
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingeTlaxBoy05squirrel74wkgn2thestreetzejmichaels1sevenxx7hbreaker9999MURSEculinity
    calluptome
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    Why do men keep coming up to me tonight asking how much I charge? My spending habits are none of their business.

    • 254
    • FAVS
    BadaBingechaggard12KentWGrahamburiedwithkidsPeterSubtweeter__2thestreetzLorieGZVenusRockHobbit__
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingeTlaxBoy05Favstar2502thestreetzWaterqueenVenusRockHobbit__catcervenylilirishgrl
    kkkhid
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    I hate when people surprise me with a hug before I can grab a weapon.

    • 200
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeTlaxBoy05KentWGrahamwondrgirl05justwant2wineemsykayThrill_Tweeter__buriedwithkids
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05Radio_Guy_KentWGrahamZedKamuzuwondrgirl05WDinarteburiedwithkids2thestreetz
  • Kali_Mura
      Kali Mura @Kali_Mura

    This lady on the plane sat next to me for five hours and didn’t say one word to me. I love her.

    • 228
    • FAVS
    BadaBingeTlaxBoy05_PBody__mikemaryanoffKentWGrahamllvvzzz42nagirlThrill_Tweeter__
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    BadaBingeTlaxBoy05lllvvvzzzGinaValleyburiedwithkidsElephart2thestreetzejmichaels1
@Kali_Mura

@Kali_Mura

apocalyptic geisha, horror writer, avid napper

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