My people jump every part of the shark.

Shouldn't the ramp to the handicapped entrance at the Pentecostal church be one way only?

I only drink on days that end in tears. I'm also confused about the relationship between cause and effect.

@robdelaney Unless I'm mistaken, you need training and a permit to drive a car in most US states. Having that for guns would be a good start

The only time a gold-buttoned blazer is appropriate is when you ironically steal someone's yacht.

Why aren't there any divorce photographers? I think that would be much more interesting as a genre than wedding or baby photography.

Home is where the soft toilet paper is.

There's this group missing from Flickr. It should be called No Talent Assclowns With Expensive Cameras.

Steve Ballmer is the Jar Jar Binks of the tech world.

You probably think my idea of an Asian-Southern cooking show, "Woking in Memphis" is annoying even before I tell you what the theme song is.

I tried to do some erotic cross-stitching pictures but I'm terrible at one-handed sewing.

@deserthedgehog Well, I wasn't thinking university level. That stuff sounds quite interesting to me but I'm no teacher, I think.

Okay, enough with the retweets, just star that fucker already.

I propose we drop the insulting and degrading term "MILF" from our parlance. Instead use "omnom-mom", okay?

Kenny Rogers was way ahead of his time: "If you're gonna play the GameBoy, you gotta learn to play it right." The man was a prophet...

Also, remember Jesus H. Christ? That's right, the H stands for Hussein. Jesus Hussein Christ. How do you like that, John?

The correct reply to "I will pray for you" is obviously "I will masturbate thinking of you."

My effort to market my deliciously fluffy waffles in Germany fell over flat. Why don't people like my Luftwaffels?

AwkwardBoners.com is down. Yes, yes, I see the irony in it now...

The red and white stripes in the US flag represent bacon, right?