Son spotted a gorgeous vintage 356 Porsche speedster on the way home from school and stated "that's the kind of car Jesus would drive".

I mispelled bizarre, I'm so ashamed. That's what Ambien does to my spelling. My grammar however remains impeccable.

This man didn't try to hide the fact that he's staring directly at my boobs. What a brute! I've got to wear this blouse more often.

Note to self: Spray perfume mist into air. Walk into fragrance with EYES CLOSED. Next time. Ouch. It burns.

This girl in a bikini stood in front of my local yogurt shop just staring into space. Skinny people are strange. Eat something bitch.

What is it with these people that have their twitter accounts locked? If you want privacy, stay off of twitter.

My hacker tweets like Yoda. Not from this planet she is.

Just as I suspected, we are all loaded together. That's what makes twitter special. It's a bar where everybody knows your name.

A woman just honked at me for not moving fast enough in the McDonald's drive-thru lane. I'd be pissed, but I really like your style. Bitch.

While out riding my scooter, this prick in a pickup kept tailgating me. My first thought was if I die, then I don't have to work on Monday:)

I think kids have a special radar that alerts them to when parents are on the phone, in the bathroom and have just washed the kitchen floor.

Have you ever noticed that people who claim to be comedians in their bio, are rarely funny?

I know it's time to vacuum when the house contains enough pet hair to build a whole new dog & cat. I'm just hoping hubby will notice it 1st.

I hate it when the jeans I've neatly stuffed into my Uggs start to come untucked thus changing my look from MLF to Cossack.

Do you ever howl along with your dog when a fire engine goes by? Oh. Uh. Me neither.

Listening to police scanner on iPhone during family BBQ by the pool. Don't envy me my thrilling lifestyle.

Everybody at the nail salon was coughing and sneezing their heads off. Ok, I know I'm going to get sick, but my hands & feet look awesome.

Saw a woman at Vons, wearing a prairie skirt, cheap vinyl purse & toe ring while buying 30 cans of cat food. Me in 20 years? OMG!

I can't figure out why there are so many people on Facebook that select a group photo for their profile pic. Insecure, lazy or just stupid?

Staff so attentive at bank; I strode in with hat, shades & Coach Hobo. In rare self restraint, I did not ask them to fill my bag with cash.