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If Robert Pattinson breaks up with Kristen Stewart, he can finally get back together with Cho Chang.
Beyonce is about to have her baby, but let's not forget about Keri Hilson, who finally got that job at Lady Foot Locker.
"Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?"
"Bitch I might be."
Remember when the Baltic states declared independence from the Soviet Union RT if you're a true 90's kid
"So, what are your plans now that you're done with school?" a relative will ask right before I shoot myself at Christmas dinner.
To the guy who borrowed my pen two years ago, never gave it back, and still uses it in front of me: this sexual tension needs to addressed.
Sometimes I don't understand why people kill other people, but then I remember malls.
My best quality by far is my ability to hate so many people at once.
"If someone as horrible as Whitney Cummings can be successful, so can I."
—My daily affirmation
The fact that Comedy Central regularly runs Christian Mingle commercials is infinitely funnier than "Tosh.0".
#BeefsBetterThanDrakeAndChrisBrown Lizzie McGuire vs. Kate Sanders
Any guy can wear a suit, but a real man wears denim-on-denim and PULLS. IT. OFF.
**overdone *NSYNC quote about how tomorrow is gonna be May**
Do you ever think about how in “The King’s Speech” Colin Firth plays the grandfather to his character in “What A Girl Wants” because I do.
Are white people still doing the "Harlem Shake", or is it finally safe to go outside again?
Charles Barkley, one of my favorite people in the world, is talking about how excited he is for La Salle. Now here I am, getting emotional.
OFFICIAL MARTIN LAWRENCE. Joke person. Pulitzer Prize-winning writer for @CrabbyGoLightly . Pale third of the Overpopulated Peninsula.