One man's trash is another man's girlfriend? No, that's not right...

Does anyone know what's going on anymore?

Happy Go Back To Being Ungrateful Day!

Happy Be Made To Feel Guilty For Moving To California Day!

"Excuse me, miss, there's a co-op in my pants. Can I interest u in a time-share?" -- new pickup line I'm trying, I'll let u know how it goes

Free to good home: 7 year old. Caught using Han Solo and Luke Skywalker action figures as part of a boy band

So if you call her a cum dumpster...and go down on her...does that make you a dumpster diver?....Cuz that's kinda gross.

Teen Mom Farrah Abraham is a "backdoor" superstar? I'm no doctor but that's not how you become a teen mom. She obviously has other "gifts"

the Clapper, but for people that talk

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Hannitized? Someone's about to get SIVANATED, @seanhannity pic.twitter.com/C9W0d8K30Q

Netflix IS my boyfriend.
*shovels ice cream into mouth*

Is "Lana Del Rey" the street name for a tranquilizer yet?

Stark in the streets. Dothraki between the sheets. #me

A hard part of being in a relationship is constantly remembering that someone else's stupid feelings matter just as much as yours do.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don't have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Thanks to Jason Collins and Dumbledore now there's two really cool gay wizards.

Good luck catching a tiger by its toe, you stupid asshole.

@karlitacavalli @laurensivan RT if you love the summer of Sivalli

When I really miss my mom, I get down on the floor with the dogs and have a good cry.

I think she would understand. I know the dogs do.