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"Gurrl, you need ta drop that zero and get with this power of zero. One."
- binary game-spittin'
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
A treadmill that calls you a fat whore for motivation
Watch movies. Read every script you can get your hand on. Practice your own writing. Wash, rinse, repeat. Move to LA and give it a shot.
Hey chums! Tired of all your sea life smelling fishy? Try my new all porpoise cleaner. It gets my seal of approval. Water you waiting for?
Go go gadget sepia filter.
Sometimes you just have to dance with your daughter as she plays "boyfriend" by Bieber.
I have no shame
Why do people get married and have weddings? WE GET IT! You're committed to each other! You don't have to brag about it.
I like being in my late 30s because I had 2 beers & went to bed at 11PM last night and now I want to cut off my own head to stop the pain.
Always fun reading about people you graduated college with becoming a VP at their company while you put on a Toga for a Commercial Audition.
Pasta don't preach.
I'm keeping my food baby.
When a girl says, "So...I have a question" just RUN AWAY.
Go fuck your selfie.
I will judge you on your ability to use your versus you're. It's not an autocorrect thing. Nice try though.
Pretty sure the Best Buy associate who helped me today is the same person who wrote all of Spock's dialogue in the last two Star Trek movies
Ohh you want a retweet do ya? Well who's the nerd now Mr captain of the football team 1991!?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure I had sex last night, but it might have just been a panic attack.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Entertainment & Fashion News Host @3MinuteUpdate, Renaissance Woman, Fashion Stylist, TV Host, Actress, New Yawker, Dawg lova. email@example.com