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Personally, I'd be ecstatic to receive a Dick in a Box this Christmas.
My dog was misbehaving while I was cleaning so I sucked up one of his balls with the vacuum cleaner hose. We had a good laugh.
I'm sorry what? I can't hear anything over the smell of your armpits.
I'll put an f at the end of "wreath" if I fucking feel like it.
I use the word "cunt" no less than 30 times a day. Everyday. A girl's gotta have goals.
Ambalamps? Ohhh. AMBULANCE. No, I'm not calling one for you.
I'm almost positive that you're allowed to murder anyone who makes 2 wrong number phone calls before 7:30 a.m.
Just ate about a pound of chocolate. Bring it on, night terrors.
Fuck you Victoria's Secret sweatpants....I'm not paying $70 for something I get my period in.
I miss having a boyfriend most on garbage night.
My shopping basket currently contains duct tape, bleach, Tylenol pm and garbage bags. I feel like I should explain myself to this cashier.
I'm gonna make a great stepmom someday.
It's not even 10 yet and I've already told someone to suck it.
I'd rather eat pudding with a knife than do dishes right now
Old lady upstairs died. Dibs on the readers digests.
Just watched a five year old say "fuck you mom" and then spit on her. Omg I want kids sooo bad you guys.
Old people, credit cards and gas pumps are the new axis of evil.
I hate to use the word epic but there is no other way to explain the cunt-punch I just witnessed.
Eating chicken nuggets, drinking wine out of the bottle and watching Emmett Otters Jugband xmas. Its what Jesus would want, you guys.
Dog groomer by trade, awesome by nature.
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