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Personally, I'd be ecstatic to receive a Dick in a Box this Christmas.
My dog was misbehaving while I was cleaning so I sucked up one of his balls with the vacuum cleaner hose. We had a good laugh.
I'm sorry what? I can't hear anything over the smell of your armpits.
I'll put an f at the end of "wreath" if I fucking feel like it.
I use the word "cunt" no less than 30 times a day. Everyday. A girl's gotta have goals.
Ambalamps? Ohhh. AMBULANCE. No, I'm not calling one for you.
I'm almost positive that you're allowed to murder anyone who makes 2 wrong number phone calls before 7:30 a.m.
Just ate about a pound of chocolate. Bring it on, night terrors.
Fuck you Victoria's Secret sweatpants....I'm not paying $70 for something I get my period in.
I miss having a boyfriend most on garbage night.
My shopping basket currently contains duct tape, bleach, Tylenol pm and garbage bags. I feel like I should explain myself to this cashier.
I'm gonna make a great stepmom someday.
It's not even 10 yet and I've already told someone to suck it.
I'd rather eat pudding with a knife than do dishes right now
Old lady upstairs died. Dibs on the readers digests.
Just watched a five year old say "fuck you mom" and then spit on her. Omg I want kids sooo bad you guys.
Old people, credit cards and gas pumps are the new axis of evil.
I hate to use the word epic but there is no other way to explain the cunt-punch I just witnessed.
Eating chicken nuggets, drinking wine out of the bottle and watching Emmett Otters Jugband xmas. Its what Jesus would want, you guys.
I guess I'm just tired of not having Bradley Cooper here to spoon me while I fall asleep.