You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little shit.

It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Hold on, gotta check my iPhone.

Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this shit.

Oh, you left me a voicemail? Next time just tape a note to the door of the apartment I moved out of six years ago.

"Dude, she's crazy" is asshole for, "She saw right through my bullshit."

"Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, No Blacks, Go Away Gays, Shut Up and Pump Out Them Babies Ladies, Fuck You Poor People, Can't Lose." - Mitt Romney

I'll be honest with you guys, I'd go to the RNC ten thousand times before I'd even listen to a story about going to Burning Man.

Remember in the Bible when Jesus was all, "If you make mediocre chicken sandwiches you should speak up about gay marriage"? Classic Jesus.

Get a dog. Name it "Diamonds." Boom, it's everyone's best friend. Bam, I saved Christmas. Next problem.

"Two men married?! That's insane and disgusting! If you'll excuse me, it's Sunday, the day I pretend I'm drinking Jesus Christ's blood."

That's cool. I don't have health insurance. RT @kanyewest I haven't bought a new car or piece of jewelry in about 2 years...

I'm gonna be the guy who dies in a car wreck because he was trying to dump the last few crumbs from a Pringles can into his mouth at 80mph.

For two million dollars, I will show you how sentences work. RT @50cent: You no day gone hate

TWITTER is an acronym for Troubled Witty Individuals Trying To Escape Reality.

If I send you a text that says "smh" you better BELIEVE it means "Slammin' Mike's Hards" because hard lemonades is my shiiiiiiiit y'all SMH!

Sometimes I'll think, "How sad for Canada that Bryan Adams is their Springsteen," but then I remember I don't have health insurance.

People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

Suddenly very excited about the possibility of my script BRITISH BRITISH BRITISH BRITISH being optioned by every studio in Hollywood.

The Tea Party would be a lot cooler if it was the T Party, and it was run by Mr. T, and the only member was Mr. T.

If you're a cool-looking dude I've never met before and you ask me, "What's goin' on?" my answer, without fail, will be, "Not bad."