Hey guys, stay away from the chicks skinnier than me. They're poisonous.

Just payed my bills for the month. Don't owe anyone any money. Time to rap about paper, I suppose.

I didn't wear this sweet flowery dress for nothing. Meet me in the supply closet.

You say 2 years sober, I hear 2 years closer to relapse.

They say when you don't eat, your body thinks it's starving. Mine thinks it's gonna get laid.

Just walked out of dominos with pepperoni on my artisan pizza. Your move, men.

Sometimes I make out with my hand a little first. Ya know, loosen her up.

A lady on Bravo is crying. I think.

My favorite porno is there one where Topanga turns out to be a dude

I kinda wanna eat Anne's Curry.

Some day, 2 words missing from a tweet will be a perfectly good alibi so suck it.

Hey brides, I just thought of how much drugs I could get with $15,000. A lifetime's. Look who wins at decision making. Again.

Friend walked into my room & said your bed looks straight out of a catalog so I snapped her neck so she can't tell anyone I haven't had sex.

Just chillin', waiting for baby bjorne's contract with gravity to expire.

Hey chicks skinnier than me, cyanide is the only answer.

Needing constant refills of water on my nightstand is where a little monkey butler would come in handy. Chill, alright. He'd wear a vest.

A bunch of old broken cell phones from the junk drawer are my only photo albums.

My 8 ball for $150 beats your water into wine. - Me tearin' ass at Sunday school. The game?

I thought Godzilla looked rather handsome in Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster.

My nails look so good right now I bet a guy would fuck me. - what I think when I walk out of a nail salon.