I wish I had a "clap-on, clap-off" bra.

I know one sexual position: grateful.

Morality aside, where do serial killers find the time?

Hey ladies: Do you ever menstruate and wonder "How am I not dead?"

I think that my cats think that they are bathroom attendants.

If "Angry Birds" has taught me one thing: it's to do the same wrong thing over and over again...

I just looked up "bukkake" cuz you guys are always going on about it. Gross, you guys, seriously GROSS

I leave a vibrator out where it's really obvious to guests, on top of a book called "Daily Reflections."

It turns out that my followers are mostly bots, and I aim to please: I really feel that "The Terminator" ended badly.

Confession: I don't understand half the things you people twitter-on about. Less than half. Farts and that's about it

You know you're not the 1% when you tweeted this from the public library.

Some Jehovah's Witnesses just came to my door and apparently we're not all getting into heaven. Fuck!

How did I not get an Oscar nom just now for telling the mailman: "I'm not drunk." ?

I don't understand 4square: so you really want me (a frighteningly unstable person) to know exactly where you are right now?

PS3 broke while watching Auschwitz doc on Netflix, so yeah, Hitler's still ruining lives

I think I've run out of people to follow. Is this thing over yet?

Someone keyed my new car this week. In the spirit of Valentine's: GOD BLESS YOU motherfucker I'm gonna kill you

I've noticed that knock-knock jokes don't work all that well on Twitter.

I always wondered, as we all have, why Demi Moore would be interested in a kid like Kutcher. Answer: she just went to ER for doing WHIP-ITS.

You're married to someone with an anonymous Twitter name & avi who uses it to bitch about you.