Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I wish I had a "clap-on, clap-off" bra.
I know one sexual position: grateful.
Morality aside, where do serial killers find the time?
Hey ladies: Do you ever menstruate and wonder "How am I not dead?"
I think that my cats think that they are bathroom attendants.
If "Angry Birds" has taught me one thing: it's to do the same wrong thing over and over again...
I just looked up "bukkake" cuz you guys are always going on about it. Gross, you guys, seriously GROSS
It turns out that my followers are mostly bots, and I aim to please: I really feel that "The Terminator" ended badly.
Confession: I don't understand half the things you people twitter-on about. Less than half. Farts and that's about it
I leave a vibrator out where it's really obvious to guests, on top of a book called "Daily Reflections."
Some Jehovah's Witnesses just came to my door and apparently we're not all getting into heaven. Fuck!
You know you're not the 1% when you tweeted this from the public library.
How did I not get an Oscar nom just now for telling the mailman: "I'm not drunk." ?
I don't understand 4square: so you really want me (a frighteningly unstable person) to know exactly where you are right now?
I think I've run out of people to follow. Is this thing over yet?
PS3 broke while watching Auschwitz doc on Netflix, so yeah, Hitler's still ruining lives
Someone keyed my new car this week. In the spirit of Valentine's: GOD BLESS YOU motherfucker I'm gonna kill you
I've noticed that knock-knock jokes don't work all that well on Twitter.
You're married to someone with an anonymous Twitter name & avi who uses it to bitch about you.
I always wondered, as we all have, why Demi Moore would be interested in a kid like Kutcher. Answer: she just went to ER for doing WHIP-ITS.
I really, really like gravy and if you do too drop everything we're soulmates