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Forgot to grab my phone before I went into the bathroom and I had to sit there and stare at the wall like some kind of animal.
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
just heard my Cousin left her laptop on the floor and Grandma thought it was a scale. conclusion is Grandma weighs $950.
I just shaved my legs for the first time in 3weeks. Holla boys, still single.
only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one will ask what the hell is wrong with you.
If my future children say 'SWAG' even ONE time, they will wear turtle necks and light-up Sketchers until their 21st birthday.
Single people go to bed at 8:57pm, right?
Friendly reminder that Adele & Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one of them has a child and one of them is mentally stuck in middle school
I just licked sauce off my hand like a cat, in case you were wondering how single I am.
Leave time remaining on something you microwaved and next time I'll throw your kid in there.
My Mom left time remaining on something she microwaved, in case any of you are reading this week's paper and see her obituary.
I love getting new followers because it reassures me I'm not the only fucking weird one.
Lady at Target couldn't scan one of my items, so she looks at me and says, "just take it. I hate this fucking place."
all my days just mesh together because all I do is eat and shit and complain about what day it is.
Ok, seriously? Fuck Yoga Pants. Girls only wear them now to get attention. And you fat bitches need to put them away, period.
I'll eat an entire bag of Funyuns in 7 minutes. I don't give a fuck.
It's like every time I get a new follower, one of you other fucktards unfollows me. WHAT IS THE ISSUE.
Remember: being alone on Valentine's Day is no different than any other day of your life.
saying I've never seen Star Wars on National Star Wars Day will probs get me sawed in half by that glowy sword thing the cute boy carries.