Just found a grey hair @juliamydarling time to get my roots done!!

Don't put all your eggs into one basket. I'm looking at you pregnant women.

@thedanchannel don't make me unfolded you.

Be an adult! No more Arrested Development spoilers or I'll will come to your house & stick a frozen banana up your big mouth & ass probably

Went to the bar at 1am like a real woman!

@theleanover I'm fine. Thanks. I won't be in Edmonton forever.

I like most of you.

Tonight I self medicate with the two p's. Pot & Pizza.

Dinner with handsome @jimtorious #blessed #praisethelord #couplesforchrist  http://instagram.com/p/Zoz_AqLpaU/ 

I thought Torontonians wanted Rob Ford to lose weight. #latejoke

Finals of Funniest Person with a Dayjob at @comicstripwem tonight at 7pm! I always bet on long shots so I'm betting on @brettmccrindle

I'm listening to two guys debate the new Star Trek movie, what have I done with my life?

The best way to not be seated next to a table with kids at a restaurant is to tell the hostess you swear a lot.

@chrislockefun perfect! I can make some for boys too! Thanks for the marketing advice!

“@talkstandup: Five Comedians Who Would Be Great SNL Cast Member Replacements -  http://standuptalk.com/five-stand-up-comedians-who-would-be-great-snl-cast-members/ …
@jeremiahstandup would be amazing!

Men, they put a bad taste in my mouth.

Someone paid me $100 to tell a joke. Finally!  http://instagram.com/p/ZhQB5brpQr/ 

I don't judge anyone at McDonald's unless they have a designer handbag.

At the end of every year I say it will be my last and they always pull my back in with beer and good…  http://instagram.com/p/ZgUo6BrpRI/ 

Up early on a Sunday only because I'm excited to drink in a field all afternoon.