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Don't put all your eggs into one basket. I'm looking at you pregnant women.
Be an adult! No more Arrested Development spoilers or I'll will come to your house & stick a frozen banana up your big mouth & ass probably
Went to the bar at 1am like a real woman!
I like most of you.
Tonight I self medicate with the two p's. Pot & Pizza.
I'm listening to two guys debate the new Star Trek movie, what have I done with my life?
The best way to not be seated next to a table with kids at a restaurant is to tell the hostess you swear a lot.
“@talkstandup: Five Comedians Who Would Be Great SNL Cast Member Replacements - http://standuptalk.com/five-stand-up-comedians-who-would-be-great-snl-cast-members/ …
@jeremiahstandup would be amazing!
Men, they put a bad taste in my mouth.
I don't judge anyone at McDonald's unless they have a designer handbag.
Up early on a Sunday only because I'm excited to drink in a field all afternoon.
Stand up comedian and good time girl! I'm full of surprises, most of them are treatable. Check out my Comedy Records EP on iTunes.