Who else wishes Heaven would just send us back a refurbished Steve Jobs? #RIPSteveJobs

Time for a workout. I'm going to sweat like Kirstie Alley in a room full of whiskey and crumb cakes.

My stomach has lunchnesia. It has already forgotten that we ate. Unfortunately, my thighs remember everything.

Maybe if I wasn't so focused on remembering the Alamo, I could remember something else for a change.

We're all so against torture and yet we continue to let Kathie Lee Gifford on national television.

My cats are so good at barfing after they eat that I'm about to start a sorority for them.

The Today Show is telling me I can look 10 lbs. lighter with a simple haircut. Where exactly do they think I have hair?

Gawd! Sometimes I am so jealous of time. Always getting wasted. And right in the middle of the work day too. Lucky!

I'm gonna start a site called Suckr'd that shows all the crap tweets that nobody thinks are funny. And I shall rule the Suckerboard.

This donkey meat tastes like ass.

This lotion makes my hands smell like I'm Strawberry Shortcake's OBGYN.

There is a guy here fixing the copier. It is nothing like what I’ve seen in the movies.

When you refurbish a couch, is it sectional healing?

Billy Mays will arrive at the Pearly Gates in 4-6 weeks. COD.

I have enough zits on my face to write the Braille version of Pride and Prejudice. I'll call it Pride and Pizzaface.

My attention span is really more of a "very small fissure" than it is a "span."

I wonder if I could get Social Security benefits if the mental condition that prevents me from working is a loss of the will to suck up.

Like a 17 year old boy on prom night, I am looking forward to poker later.

"Problem loading page" seems like something Bill Clinton would have written in his journal when a White House assistant refused a drink.

This package of cashews reads like the birth certificate of a Jolie adoptee: Product of Brazil, India, Indonesia or Vietnam.