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If you think women are the weaker sex, just try pulling the blankets back to your side.
last night I played a blank cd at full blast. The mime next door went apeshit....
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Did you know that all liquor stores are open 24/7 when you have a brick?
The dominos pizza tracker is not working. Now i dont know when to put my pants on.
Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex.
I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.
Maybe I like my dirty mouth, Orbit gum whore.
"This is really mature guys, ...really mature" - Fruit picker
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
Thinking about waking the husband up for sex just so he'll stop fucking snoring.
I have syphilis, gonorrhea, bronchitis, diarrhea, and hepatitis. It's not all bad, I'm playing scrabble. I won.
I giggle every time I order a tossed salad at a restaurant because I'm mature and shit.
If I'm in a public place and I have a wedgie, I'm picking it. It's mine and fuck you.
She's not a slut because she has more guy friends. She's smart. Guys don't stab u in the back & talk about you after being nice 2 your face.
If you get bitten by a zombie, you become a zombie. Unless you work for the DMV, in which case job performance slightly improves
An inspirational tweet is ok once in a while, but when it's every single tweet, you gots to go.
Fucking knock that fucking shit off. Fuck.
Never trust a group of guys that invite you to a manwich party. It has nothing to do with food
Hey! You people that can fall asleep when your head hits the pillow? Yeah you.
I hate you.
Ever wish you could leave it all behind, start over fresh.....alone?
Life without humor is like taking a dump without TP....shitty ~~ Wife, mom, nutjob, liberal~~http://www.streamzoo.com/user/KatrinaGibson13/