If you think women are the weaker sex, just try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

last night I played a blank cd at full blast. The mime next door went apeshit....

Did you know that all liquor stores are open 24/7 when you have a brick?

The dominos pizza tracker is not working. Now i dont know when to put my pants on.

Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex.

I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

Maybe I like my dirty mouth, Orbit gum whore.

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

"This is really mature guys, ...really mature" - Fruit picker

I have syphilis, gonorrhea, bronchitis, diarrhea, and hepatitis. It's not all bad, I'm playing scrabble. I won.

Thinking about waking the husband up for sex just so he'll stop fucking snoring.

I giggle every time I order a tossed salad at a restaurant because I'm mature and shit.

If I'm in a public place and I have a wedgie, I'm picking it. It's mine and fuck you.

She's not a slut because she has more guy friends. She's smart. Guys don't stab u in the back & talk about you after being nice 2 your face.

My husband doesn't watch porn, he watches documentaries about porn. He's such a nerd but I'm not telling him he's doing it wrong.

An inspirational tweet is ok once in a while, but when it's every single tweet, you gots to go.

Fucking knock that fucking shit off. Fuck.

If you get bitten by a zombie, you become a zombie. Unless you work for the DMV, in which case job performance slightly improves

Hey! You people that can fall asleep when your head hits the pillow? Yeah you.

I hate you.

I'll be 40 soon and I'm proud of every single line that mars my face. I've earned them. The trials that put them there only made me stronger