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I just met a kid named Bacon.
Don't be fooled by those bathroom stall walls: You are shitting two feet away from your colleagues.
The four-year-old just said, "Will you please be quiet, please?" Someone hide the booze and get me Gordon Lish on horn, yo.
At what age to children stop insisting that every guy with a gray beard is Michael McDonald?
So I guess I'm not the first person to Google "Can I bring my kid into a liquor store."
I savor each moment I have with my son. Because, you know, in an MmmBop they're gone. In an MmmBop, they're not there....
A gal can save a lot of money by repurposing a magic 8 ball as a pregnancy test.
Those 13.1 & 26.2 radio stations advertised on bumper stickers?LAME. 26.2 is Christian polka fusion and 13.1 is Art Bell's cat eating bacon.
My particular brand of activism consists mostly of shaking my head and saying, "Someone should really do something about that."
How can I sleep well knowing that there are Real-Life Grown-Up Well-Paid Executives who say "for all 'intensive' purposes"?
I'm 98% certain that this cafe has requested that all dudes not wearing skinny jeans, Ted Baker shoes, and a knotted scarf to leave.
Every time a Kardashian-Jenner makes a kissyface in an iPhone self-portrait, an angel gets the clap.
The guy who said, "We need a little Christmas, RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!" was either bad at prioritization or overdue for his noon Adderall.
If you ask me, our house hasn't sold yet because our agent insisted on calling my masterbatorium a "third bedroom."
Yes, son: Santa *is* a skinny college student who rips off his beard, lights a smoke, and yells at his girlfriend while playing Angry Birds.
It's time we stop putting so much pressure on beardless dudes with the last name "Beard," you guys. Let them have their irony.
Sadly, Keith Richards will never quite understand why he wasn't invited to narrate the audio version of his autobiography.
The police officers who responded to the car accident outside my office building showed up in the same outfit. AWK-WARD.
Yes, I said hot tottie. And make it snappy because I'm late meeting Mildred at Woolworth's for a phosphate and I'm out of payphone dimes.