In his best @ryanseacrest voice, my husband is now required to say "dim the lights, here we go" before sex.

Please, smart people, stop getting out of jury duty.

My 4yo is trying to watch the living room TV from the toilet. We can cancel that paternity test.

If by 'Domestic Goddess' you mean leaving leftovers in the refrigerator so long that I just throw the Tupperware away, then yes, that is I.

I get all my financial advice from rap songs.

The republicans won, all the Borders are closing.

I was the only parent crying at the first day of school. When it was time to pick them up.

If you don't hide in the pantry eating salty snacks while your kids are eating veggies at the table then I don't want to know you.

Am I reading this clock in the doctor's office right? Is it 10 past we-don't-give-a-fuck-about-your-schedule?

My son is riding around on the back of a dinosaur. Just like Jesus.

I think my neighbors were right to get a hot tub instead of having kids.

Homeless people: find a Costco card, eat meals in samples, sleep in their boxes. Problems solved. Fuck, you're probably not reading this.

I bet schools would make more money if they put Education Box Tops on 6 packs and cigarettes.

America, It's time that we admit our mistake to the rest of the world. The Dallas Cowboys are not our team.

I just got a job selling Wikipedias! I'm gonna be rich!

I'm beginning to think some of you don't go to church.

If you tweet "Great morning for a run!" that is an automatic unfollow.

I want to make a sign that says Garbage Sale and see how many people show up.

I only take #FF's seriously when you list 1 or 2 people, it's not Friday and they don't already have 50,000 followers. #truthfultuesday

Kids are pretty much worthless until they can tell you when the light turns green.