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I want my last words to be "Hold my beer and watch this".
I'm 0 for 57 trying to slide across the hood of my car like the detectives in the movies.
Its all fun and games until the hooker dies and you don't know where she hid the sex tape.
My neighbor: Get the fuck out of my pool you freak!
Lady gaga was prohibited from wearing Amy Winehouse as a dress.
If you put your ears closely to a monster energy drink, you can hear a douche bag ripping his Tap Out t-shirt off.
If you ever get into a rap battle with Jay-Z just end your verse with "Your babies name is stupid!".
When I see a group of women at the bar I walk up to them and start bragging about how many spiders I have killed.
What happens to girls in prison when they drop the soap?.
My ex girlfriend once told me "when are you going to become a man!" We both laughed so hard that our purses fell and our dildos came out.
My favorite pick up line is "Shut up and get in the van".
It's like I'm the only one wearing a Wizard costume at the mall today. WORST WIZARD DAY EVER!.
Bums are the beta version of Zombies.
When girls say "talk dirty to me" during sex I start shouting "my feet smell, I didn't shower today, I still live with my mom, I bathe her".
I put the "pee" in "bed".
I think that 15 minute voice mail I left my ex girlfriend of me crying was too short.
I want you to ROFL off a cliff.
I was all like "take that you dirty whore!" and she was like "press 2 for Spanish".
I go hillbilly hand fishin' every time I finger my girlfriend.
All you happy couples are the cause for my drinking problem.
I'm more fun than a negative pregnancy test.