I am 100% lesbian.

Phew! That felt so good to say, finally.

"Does this crown of thorns make me look all messiah-ish and shit?" ~ Jesus

I smell sex and candy…

Pretty sure it's coming from this lollipop I put up my girlfriends vagina a little while ago.

Anyway, I'm more of a boob, ass and pussy man, myself.

Butt plugs are for assholes.

Home is where the porn collection is.

I don't understand why the phrase "go get fucked" is such an insult. It's what most of us strive to do everyday.

I am in desperate need of a *nap.

*blowjob

Remember when we were kids and I always insisted on being banker when we played Monopoly?…

Yeah well, I was cheating like a motherfucker.

This day could really use a blowjob.

And by this day, I mean me.

My junk is in your trunk

Today can lick my balls…

Then eat a pile of shit…

Then jump off a bridge…

Then…

well, you get the idea. It's been a bad fucking day.

You Twitter people really are fucking awesome.

I just wish you didn't exist only in my phone.

Think I'm going video tape myself starting a fire then send it to Billy Joel.

Does this cock ring make my cock look fat?

Always thought it'd be cool to be abducted by aliens…Minus the anal probing, of course.

Yes, ladies, I know this makes me a hypocrite.

The poop is in the pudding…

Think I'm gonna start going to Sex Addicts Anonymous…

All those nymphos in one spot. I think I know what REALLY goes on at those meetings.

I'm not in the mood to be fucked with right now…

Unless you literally want to fuck with me. Then, yes, I am in the mood.

I prefer to use my girlfriend's mouth to masturbate with.