I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disapointment" when the package came, the box was fucking empty.

Dilemma: Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

A man is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole fucking house.

What I love about twitter is "if one of us sad, the rest of us try to make ya happy. If that doesn't work we will star your meltdown"

I ran 3kms today. Finally I said, "Fuck lady take your purse."

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."

If I can completely fuck several things up at once, that's multi-tasking, right??

I'm not homophobic, I love my house!

I'm all for freedom of speech, it makes it easier to know who the fucking assholes are.

The question isn't who is going to fucking let me. it's who is going fucking to stop me?

Used condoms for sale. No fucking weirdos.

To err is human, to forgive is highly fucking unlikely.

Seriously...who the fuck would shit near a fan?

Women can fuck whoever they want! While men will fuck whoever will let them!

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

The local homeless guy approached me today & asked, "Any change love?" I said, "No, you're still homeless, now fuck off!"

When someone gets RT'd into my TL that has unfollowed me, I just smile & think "cunt"

Things you'll never hear a woman say "my what a beautiful scrotum, can I please jiggle it in my mouth"

Some people I don't need to follow, they get retweeted so often it's like I already am! 