You are what the French call "a cunt"

D.A.R.E. to keep kids out of my uterus

Hate kids. Thank god my *boyfriend can't get me pregnant.

*corn dog in a ziplock bag

You fuck your uncle with that mouth?

One day I'll be able to tell my accident that I met its father on twitter

The only way to pull off a fedora is by literally taking it off your head

I hate it when I buy a puppy and forget the peanut butter

If you saw a homeless looking gal stocking up on ice cream and pregnancy tests at the dollar store then why didn't you say hi to me

I need beer goggles to tolerate my mother's face

where's my warm welcome, assholes

Gentlemen with minimal chest hair and moderate dance skills...show yourselves

Don't invite me to a baby shower unless it's a bukkake

I don't lock the bathroom door just for the thrill of being discovered in a vulnerable position

Nursing test tomorrow...who wants to bend over and cough

Who wants pics of me crying in the shower lol msg me

If I had starred in Knocked Up the movie would have only lasted ten minutes. 15 if I were to stop at Burger King on the way home.

Horny is the new black

Is there a drive thru where I can get bacon? Too tired to get dressed

My lack of pregnancy scares lately is bittersweet

Where are all the infamous boob avis I keep hearing about :(