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You are what the French call "a cunt"
D.A.R.E. to keep kids out of my uterus
Hate kids. Thank god my *boyfriend can't get me pregnant.
*corn dog in a ziplock bag
You fuck your uncle with that mouth?
One day I'll be able to tell my accident that I met its father on twitter
The only way to pull off a fedora is by literally taking it off your head
I hate it when I buy a puppy and forget the peanut butter
If you saw a homeless looking gal stocking up on ice cream and pregnancy tests at the dollar store then why didn't you say hi to me
I need beer goggles to tolerate my mother's face
where's my warm welcome, assholes
Gentlemen with minimal chest hair and moderate dance skills...show yourselves
Don't invite me to a baby shower unless it's a bukkake
I don't lock the bathroom door just for the thrill of being discovered in a vulnerable position
Nursing test tomorrow...who wants to bend over and cough
Who wants pics of me crying in the shower lol msg me
If I had starred in Knocked Up the movie would have only lasted ten minutes. 15 if I were to stop at Burger King on the way home.
Horny is the new black
Is there a drive thru where I can get bacon? Too tired to get dressed
My lack of pregnancy scares lately is bittersweet
Where are all the infamous boob avis I keep hearing about :(