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You are what the French call "a cunt"
D.A.R.E. to keep kids out of my uterus
Hate kids. Thank god my *boyfriend can't get me pregnant.
*corn dog in a ziplock bag
You fuck your uncle with that mouth?
One day I'll be able to tell my accident that I met its father on twitter
The only way to pull off a fedora is by literally taking it off your head
If I had starred in Knocked Up the movie would have only lasted ten minutes. 15 if I were to stop at Burger King on the way home.
If you saw a homeless looking gal stocking up on ice cream and pregnancy tests at the dollar store then why didn't you say hi to me
I hate it when I buy a puppy and forget the peanut butter
I need beer goggles to tolerate my mother's face
where's my warm welcome, assholes
Gentlemen with minimal chest hair and moderate dance skills...show yourselves
Don't invite me to a baby shower unless it's a bukkake
Who wants pics of me crying in the shower lol msg me
I don't lock the bathroom door just for the thrill of being discovered in a vulnerable position
Nursing test tomorrow...who wants to bend over and cough
Is there a drive thru where I can get bacon? Too tired to get dressed
Horny is the new black
Talk to me like I'm retarded one more time and I'll use my retard strength on you
My lack of pregnancy scares lately is bittersweet