A tweet is worth writing even if the only person laughing is you.

Wii Fit should have an alternate version called Wii Fat where you just stare at the screen & eat ice cream.

Someone in China is strutting around with an English word tattooed on his arm. He is a man of mystery & envied by all.

Just mistook the Magic Eraser for a bath sponge & now my legs are gone. Crap.

My friend said the Chinese take care of aging family members. Hope so! Dropping the MIL off with her suitcase at PF Chang's later.

I really hate when I leave my sunglasses at home & have to drive around with my eyes closed.

If you are a male & are currently wearing a coral necklace, slowly reach behind your neck & undo the clasp. Attaboy.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day. He loves his pot.

Screw you, little cars that make us think the parking spot is empty!

Seems like a can of evaporated milk should be empty.

None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.

So embarrassing when someone accidentally opens the bathroom stall to see me practicing the hip-hop routine I made up.

"Oh, great."

-every person's thought at a public pool as more people arrive

People don't like it when you mistake them for Gary Busey. Especially women.

Just leafed through my husband's Popular Mechanics magazine and didn't recognize a single one of those guys.

White girls are still trying to figure out which shirt they want wear for their Super Bowl Sunday Facebook picture tomorrow.

A thug could make me hand over all of my money just by threatening to touch me with a dirty plunger.

When people tell an inside joke in front of me, I laugh the loudest and then shoot a cap gun in the air.

WHOREDERS: A new reality show about Hugh Hefner's messy clutter-loving, knick-knack-collecting girlfriends