So how do I tell someone that I want to be choke slammed through a doorway during sex?

It won't fit on the cake :(

If you are a guy who says a girl in a size 10 jeans is fat, you better have a 12 inch dick

You don't know sexy talk until a Boston girl tells you she needs it wicked haahd.

Trying to argue via text is like Being Italian and talking with handcuffs on.

I wonder if Donny Osmond knows how many times he was gang-banged by Barbie, Skipper and Ken in my dollhouse in 1978.

There is no hotness without equal crazy. That's the pussy algorithm theorem.

Only on twitter can you fearlessly type about queefing the alphabet but be terrified about your/ you're.

If I leave twitter I won't delete my account, I'll let it sit impotent and useless, like congress.

if you don't know how many miles you can drive after the empty gas light turns on then you aren't that broke.

I'm talking to people in Detox today.Last winter they came to speak to me as the patient.
One year can change EVERYTHING.
Love Love Love

Random fact, I am 222 days sober today.

My Autistic son tackled a major milestone in normal social interactions.

*farted in a jar and made his sister open it.

Suck it Autism!

Being Autistic brings a Tulip into a world full of Carnations. Never apologize for the things that make you special. The world needs you.

If you rip the anal beads out fast enough you can Jackson Pollack your walls.

I've heard.

I just cleaned my French bulldogs ears so thoroughly that he is outside smoking a marlboro

If you press your ear against my uterus you can hear millions of irish sperm singing whisky in a jar and then snoring.

He asked me if I wanted the "Guy Fieri"

I woke up with a platinum blonde butthole and my girl parts leaking duck fat.

I watched too much porn yesterday. Every delivery boy is not DTF.


apparently

The upside of being Irish and hardheaded is that I can pretty much bounce back from anything.. Even a brick wall.

Regular Kegel's were getting boring so now I just insert a stick of gum and chew on it all day.