If God had wanted me to be skinny he wouldn't have made mayonnaise so delicious.

I'll bet if people realized how much I tweet on the toilet they would never ask to borrow my phone.

I never text while driving. That's dangerous. But when a tweet hits me, I don't care if I'm driving a bus full of toddlers. I'm tweeting.

I just left IHOP and I smell like hash-browns and poverty.

I realize that everyone has problems but the whore at the drive-thru didn't give me a straw for my soda. Your prayers are appreciated.

At lunch the big discussion was whether soda is better from the fountain or 2-liter bottle. I said "I like it in the can." No one got it.

Customer w/ heavy accent: "Do you have anything with cock in it?"
Me: "Wha?!?"
Her: "My child likes cock in it."
Me: "Oh! Coconut!!!"

If you thought I was a flamer before I ate this hotsauce you're wrong. Now I'm flaming hotter than Liberace at a Sound of Music Singalong.

I'm so progressive I don't even separate my laundry.

If I was as dedicated to my career as I am to Twitter I'd be CEO of the universe by now.

The best thing about shopping at Walmart is that I can go in the clothes I slept in & still be better dressed than 99% of the people there.

Him: "Would you like your pickle cut?" Me: "I prefer uncut" Him: "Are you sure? It's really thick" Me: "I can open my mouth wide!" #delisex

There's nothing more pathetic than furtively masturbating in your parents' guest bathroom @ 4am. Unless you get caught. That's just pitiful.

My unemployed roomie has just begun another motionless couch-sitting marathon. Tibetan monks would kill for his level of discipline!

I'm exhausted. I think I'm gonna be a slow-mo homo today.

This Rockstar Lemonade tastes like Lemon Pledge-flavored pee. I imagine...

This restroom has an automated soap dispenser that ejaculates in your hand. Not sure if I'm creeped out or turned on. It's 50/50 right now.

I keep my heat set on 69 not because it will save me money but because the number makes me giggle.

Wouldn't it be great if my evil upstairs neighbor tweeted? She would say "The annoying gaywad downstairs is blasting Britney Spears. FML"

My new car is so small I should have sprung for a wheelchair rack because the backseat will only accommodate passengers without legs.