When a girl says "We need to talk" she actually means "You need to listen."

I wonder if butterflies get pictures of whores tattooed on their lower backs?

So hungry, I could eat two people in a horse costume.

Sometimes, when I throw up, I like to pretend I'm a dragon.

Welp, I reckon it's time for bed. Gotta get up early tomorrow and punch Tuesday in the dick.

"Jesus died for our wins" --Tim Tebow

If I get one hundred followers I'm gonna get an agent and move to Hollywood.

Opening a zoo. So far I have 2 dogs, a goldfish, some head lice and a can of chicken.

It's called a period because that's when girls stop asking questions and start making demands.

I'd rather eat cereal out of a coffee mug with a fork than do dishes.

Dropped my smartphone, now it's a mentally challenged phone :(

At the end of the day, we're all just somebody's crazy ex.

Who do I gotta fuck to get some followers around here?

I bet German babies are like "fuckkkk" when they find out they gotta learn German.

Relationship Tips for Men by Women:

1. When you're wrong, admit that you're wrong.
2. When you're right, admit that you're wrong. 

Watching "Passion of The Christ". At the part where Jesus and Satan arm wrestle then post pics on Facebook to see who gets more 'likes'!

SO HILARIOUS! Just wrote the BEST joke ever. But it's 141 characters. Sorry, guys.

Shopping Tips for Men by Women:

1. Buy me this!
2. Buy me that!

Kinda scared of dying. I mean, it's like, I never did it before. What if I'm not good at it? What if I just keep living?

Whenever someone says "Welecome to the real world" I have to get on Twitter to make sure my fake world hasn't gone anywhere.