calm down white women maybe your kid doesn't have autism and you're just a shitty mother

maybe you think you love sigur ros but nobody loves sigur ros more than whales

nomsubscribe: (v) to unfriend anyone who still uses the word "nom" or phrase "nom nom nom" like they're some kind of stupid hungry baby.

Here it is: Don't go to grad school. RT @evanprose: @robdelaney Will you write my grad school recommendation?

If your cat is your "child," I bet its "grandparents" are "sad"

CODE RED CODE RED: I currently have a REPLY ALL situation happening in my email over a lost turquoise Miley Cyrus t-shirt

if you eat pop rocks & drink soda, your associates degree will explode

WHOM do you have to blow around here to be a humorless grammar scold?

No one touch my penis for the next 20 minutes I'm doing an experiment.

Can you believe there is already a gay porn parody of Man Of Steel? It was directed by Bryan Singer six years ago.

I guess I can't wear my Road Warrior spiked shoulder pads when I burp my sister's baby anymore.

Well played jellyfish, the only place I can win a fight against you is in a tank full of urine.

. @4catsncounting no that quote was never actually in Star Wars

The first person to slice in to a watermelon was probably like whoa I didn't expect this to be red

"Wayne vs. Bane! Insane Pain in da Sewer Drain!" -- Don King, DARK KNIGHT RISES (deleted scenes)

My fashion icon is less Jackie Kennedy and more Jamie Kennedy.

why is it okay for fetuses to masturbate but not fred willard?

Madonna is older than Blanche was on the first three seasons of Golden Girls.

Only a party can remove the deep sadness that comes from a visit to the party supply store.

“I love you”
“K"
“NEVERMIND I HOPE YOU DIE IN THAT CARBONITE”