@seanmoncrieff New simplified tax form has just been leaked. http://twitpic.com/3dphpl

Not cute. Terrifying. pic.twitter.com/iVGUyhDY

Apricity is a word. It means "the warmth of the winter sun". Apricity.

Does anyone know a Muslim Simon Le Bon lookalike? I need him for my new tribute band Quran Quran.

This ghostly apparition appeared only after I had the picture developed. This image has not been Photoshopped. http://t.co/MhCMen0r

"In the future, everyone will be manager of Chelsea for 15 minutes" - Andy Warhol, 1979.

Before you talk to me with your big Christmasy head, ask yourself why you don't speak to me the other 468 days of the year & stick with that

These grapes have seeds in them. What is this, the fucking Middle Ages?

The letter Z was introduced in 1972 to make the alphabet look more "futuristic".

New cast, same script. #ge11

If they want people to stop smoking they should show that thing where the filter gets stuck to your lip & tears off a bit of skin.

OVERHEARD IN PUB Punter: "There's no lock on the toilets"
Landlady: "There's been no lock for 10 years & no-one has stolen a shite yet."

Here's one of my tweets from yesterday you may have missed... RT @kenchinow Yay! It's Saturday!

I'm wearing my blue cape today, just like Lando Calrissian.

It's a perfect afternoon for walking along the cliffs, kicking puffins into the sea.

LOST: My shizzle. Please RTizzle.

Only 4 more sleeps! http://t.co/tVmKo73

I've lost the ability to write a thank you email without it sounding sarcastic. Even writing IM NOT BEING SARCASTIC somehow makes it worse.

What we need now more than ever is a Xmas Creme Egg to see us through the barren period between the Screme Egg & the standard Creme Egg.

I’m in Starbucks for the second time in my life. Every man, woman and child looks like LOUIS THEROUX.