If you cough on me in an elevator, I am going to spit on you. Fair is fair.

That awkward moment when the homeless guy hears you lock the car doors.

Judging from the barista's attitude, I'm not sure if the "MF" written on my cup really stands for "mocha frappuccino".

I hate when people on Wheel of Fortune take themselves too seriously. You're just playing hangman, calm down.

The next time you buy toilet paper say to the cashier, "You know how it is." Then wink.

When guests come over, I tell them to keep their feet off the furniture. We laugh for a good 5 minutes because I live in a hollowed out car.

Friend: "What is my biggest insecurity?" Me: "You want me to say what it is or what it should be?"

No, these cuts on my arm aren't from depression, I just got a new cat. So yeah... they're from depression.

Pillow talk: when I put a t-shirt on my pillow and tell it about my day.

"Because you have to put on pants." -Me explaining to my friends why I don't like to go out

My mom was on birth control when she got pregnant with me, yet she still expected a gift today. Tisk tisk.

My nutritionist's name is Little Debbie.

I'd rather hopscotch through a minefield than deal with the anxiety that comes with opening a can of biscuits.

Thanks, iPod touch, for showing me just how greasy my fingers are.

I know I can't be the only person that refers to their dog's front legs as "arms".

I'm not 100% positive half of the people on twitter can even read.

Does it make anyone else uncomfortable that Wendy named something "hot 'n juicy" after her dad?

I love how straight guys freak out if u ask them to hold ur purse. Relax, fellas. If it doesn't match ur shoes, then no one thinks u r gay.

"Something smells like poo poo...it seriously smells like dog shit." -My mom talking like a toddler and an adult in the same sentence.

The purpose of a Snuggie is to allow your hands to be free while you cover up your dignity, right?