If you cough on me in an elevator, I am going to spit on you. Fair is fair.

That awkward moment when the homeless guy hears you lock the car doors.

Does it make anyone else uncomfortable that Wendy named something "hot 'n juicy" after her dad?

Judging from the barista's attitude, I'm not sure if the "MF" written on my cup really stands for "mocha frappuccino".

My nutritionist's name is Little Debbie.

The next time you buy toilet paper say to the cashier, "You know how it is." Then wink.

No, these cuts on my arm aren't from depression, I just got a new cat. So yeah... they're from depression.

"Because you have to put on pants." -Me explaining to my friends why I don't like to go out

When guests come over, I tell them to keep their feet off the furniture. We laugh for a good 5 minutes because I live in a hollowed out car.

I hate when people on Wheel of Fortune take themselves too seriously. You're just playing hangman, calm down.

Why does Sarah McLachlan keep beating those animals?

I'm glad I don't have as much trouble doing everyday things as people in infomercials.

I'd rather hopscotch through a minefield than deal with the anxiety that comes with opening a can of biscuits.

Pillow talk: when I put a t-shirt on my pillow and tell it about my day.

Friend: "What is my biggest insecurity?" Me: "You want me to say what it is or what it should be?"

I don't mind the stretch marks on my boobs because they let people know they're real... My thighs are real too.

I love how straight guys freak out if u ask them to hold ur purse. Relax, fellas. If it doesn't match ur shoes, then no one thinks u r gay.

I'm not 100% positive half of the people on twitter can even read.

My mom was on birth control when she got pregnant with me, yet she still expected a gift today. Tisk tisk.

How do homeless people always have sharpies?