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Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.
I'll be there at 9ish, heavy on the ish, know what I'm saying?? Yeah, I'm not coming.
Kids, the 90s were great. There were free postcards in coffee shops & free drugs in clubs & no one took a photo of anything ever.
Every so often I'll think, Pretty cool how you're reading my mind, just in case someone's reading my mind.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Instead of going to Coachella this year, I'm going to braid feathers in my hair and listen to my iPod in a port-a-potty.
A dude at the coffee shop said women in TV aren't as creative or as successful as men so I yelled "SHONDA RHIMES" at him & moonwalked away.
I've been mouthing, "Help Me" into security cameras for years but no one has yet. :(
Norwegians use ‘Texas’ as slang for ‘crazy’ which makes sense because Texans use 'bless your heart' as slang for 'I'm planning your murder.'
Things got sorta tense last night when my sister told my husband that Firefly was "a piece of shit" & we left her on the side of the 405.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!
Him: I'll be in a meeting. Text me if it's an emergency.
Me (texting): THEY'RE MAKING MORE GILMORE GIRLS EPISODES I'M CRYING
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, "Here's your Christmas juice," and now he's the one I'm leaving everything to.
Is "motherfucker" one or two words? (I'm writing a Valentine.)
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Just heard about something called "rage yoga" and I think this might be the thing that completes me.
A 16 lb. baby was born in Texas. If you eat the whole thing, your ENTIRE DINNER IS FREE, Y'ALL!!!
Freelance writer (Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, xoJane, etc.), part Ewok, the cuddliest Slytherin. Instagram: Kendragarden Web Comic: @FuckinAdults
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