Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.

A 16 lb. baby was born in Texas. If you eat the whole thing, your ENTIRE DINNER IS FREE, Y'ALL!!!

You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me & I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.

Instead of going to Coachella this year, I'm going to braid feathers in my hair and listen to my iPod in a port-a-potty.

I don't crave vodka. I crave how much cuter everything is after I've had the vodka.

Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Just saw this little kid try to pay for his dinner with a toy car. What a dick.

Still haven’t gotten over the fact that Pluto and Goofy are both dogs and that the babysitter showed me his penis.

Your husband's super cute, is he single?

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, "Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat's meow."

I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!

My nephews left juice boxes in my fridge. I added Grey Goose and I'm calling them "Goose Boxes." Wanna hang out?

There is nothing in the world more depressing than reheated french fries.

I've been mouthing, "Help Me" into security cameras for years but no one has yet. :(

Found out there's something called Fish McBites at McDonalds and now there's something called puke in my mouth.

I feel like crawling on the floor in slow-motion like a sexy cat but my fog machine broke. :(

I killed a man this morning but at least I'm not one of those girls who quote The Notebook.

What I learned from Game of Thrones & Harry Potter: Blond people are evil.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.