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Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.
A dude at the coffee shop said women in TV aren't as creative or as successful as men so I yelled "SHONDA RHIMES" at him & moonwalked away.
Every so often I'll think, Pretty cool how you're reading my mind, just in case someone's reading my mind.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!
Instead of going to Coachella this year, I'm going to braid feathers in my hair and listen to my iPod in a port-a-potty.
Just saw this little kid try to pay for his dinner with a toy car. What a dick.
A 16 lb. baby was born in Texas. If you eat the whole thing, your ENTIRE DINNER IS FREE, Y'ALL!!!
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, "Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat's meow."
My sister is in charge of more than 30 employees. I'm in charge of not drunk cartwheeling in the street again.
I've been mouthing, "Help Me" into security cameras for years but no one has yet. :(
You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me & I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.
Your husband's super cute, is he single?
Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Gym Me likes completely different music than Car Me. Car Me thinks Gym Me is an embarrassment. Home Me is drunk.
I don't crave vodka. I crave how much cuter everything is after I've had the vodka.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Still haven’t gotten over the fact that Pluto and Goofy are both dogs and that the babysitter showed me his penis.
My nephews left juice boxes in my fridge. I added Grey Goose and I'm calling them "Goose Boxes." Wanna hang out?
My writing's been in Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, xoJane, Hello Giggles, Marie Claire, Thought Catalog & some swell anthologies. Bustin' makes me feel good.