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Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.
Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Every so often I'll think, Pretty cool how you're reading my mind, just in case someone's reading my mind.
Kids, the 90s were great. There were free postcards in coffee shops & free drugs in clubs & no one took a photo of anything ever.
A dude at the coffee shop said women in TV aren't as creative or as successful as men so I yelled "SHONDA RHIMES" at him & moonwalked away.
Norwegians use ‘Texas’ as slang for ‘crazy’ which makes sense because Texans use 'bless your heart' as slang for 'I'm planning your murder.'
I'll be there at 9ish, heavy on the ish, know what I'm saying?? Yeah, I'm not coming.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Him: I'll be in a meeting. Text me if it's an emergency.
Me (texting): THEY'RE MAKING MORE GILMORE GIRLS EPISODES I'M CRYING
I've been mouthing, "Help Me" into security cameras for years but no one has yet. :(
I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!
A 16 lb. baby was born in Texas. If you eat the whole thing, your ENTIRE DINNER IS FREE, Y'ALL!!!
Instead of going to Coachella this year, I'm going to braid feathers in my hair and listen to my iPod in a port-a-potty.
Baby Boomers are from '46 to '64, Gen X is from '65 to '80, Gen Y is from '81 to '96 and Millennials are from fml to can't even.
Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, "Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat's meow."
Just saw this little kid try to pay for his dinner with a toy car. What a dick.
My sister is in charge of more than 30 employees. I'm in charge of not drunk cartwheeling in the street again.
You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me & I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.
Writer (Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, xoJane, Thought Catalog, etc.), ex-Texan, part Ewok. Instagram: Kendragarden Web Comic: @FuckinAdults
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