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  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

    • 1,605
    • FAVS
    EVHannah_TommyJusticeeminixonEatingGreenLAkatystileshotsincealdrighimynameiswinryzivkitis
    • 1,603
    • RETWEETS
    Bigwullie70RawrSabasaurjoannaklmooreGeorgiaWilson_BridgWithoutAnEsidney_rogersalovelymumsherridansmith
    llvvzzlawblobKalarlisSeanBlazedCroweJamprimawesomeOhNoSheTwitnt
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.

    • 1,922
    • FAVS
    twistedshotgunsarahjeanious___ezgidarkwingfunkbtkbreezyyLC_CarrollSam75283744ohfranciscoooo
    • 778
    • RETWEETS
    LisandraLovesLC_Carrolldayenascullykool_hairnosalt_nolimeChaddyLlamaterrylynnlambthekariyears
    rorynotroyvaporcoffinPeachCoffinclaysummersThateverydayguygreenteam15IGotsSmarts
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    A dude at the coffee shop said women in TV aren't as creative or as successful as men so I yelled "SHONDA RHIMES" at him & moonwalked away.

    • 1,019
    • FAVS
    elisasixtosrizzyfierceChaunceyDiorkmar71hnybunch1jensen1230essnofawomanartsyChica2012
    • 534
    • RETWEETS
    elisasixtosrizzyfierceAlly_McdreamyartsyChica2012patriciamat1san_pedro_girlannie340alisanjim
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

    • 531
    • FAVS
    jakob_huberHumor_FetishmsiobhanbJasonBerlinedbritonElephartNvrEndngSplendrKendalsymesxo
    • 525
    • RETWEETS
    ElephartNvrEndngSplendrSazBartzSassyJinxedlolobetrippinInsaneAadmissjsanjeeBawdas_Bhai
    PeachCoffinCroweJamspazrunsnylovablelucas
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Every so often I'll think, Pretty cool how you're reading my mind, just in case someone's reading my mind.

    • 731
    • FAVS
    salamingiaLynseybbennettbriefcasey45CoachOly20crystalmmosydnijuly5FlamingKazinVerifiedDrunk
    • 269
    • RETWEETS
    BuchananYahLouLouLLamamarkdanielsonEllequenceNarch90DuckInGlasseslizzmitch__casey_jacobs1
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!

    • 584
    • FAVS
    sfronsnotesonthewayerinthompson94DevonAtkinson88eminixonJaredGrocetaneinrayhotsincealdrig
    • 231
    • RETWEETS
    DunngeonJhotsincealdrighimynameiswinryPix_piiericky_theherowowimsotiredKodySolomonCieraaaMist
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Instead of going to Coachella this year, I'm going to braid feathers in my hair and listen to my iPod in a port-a-potty.

    • 513
    • FAVS
    3reynssamgoesglamBrief_Kasetheguydfjakob_huberBananaDolphinGinaRitterabidhq
    • 248
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historySandra_Di_JoshGuynes_mikeakaleroycocainegypsymadam_ovaries_maddykate27__on_thesunnyside
    CroweJam
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    A 16 lb. baby was born in Texas. If you eat the whole thing, your ENTIRE DINNER IS FREE, Y'ALL!!!

    • 495
    • FAVS
    Humor_Fetishnoduffersjackmackenrothgreeklsassytimeblimp_solarflareSCbchbumWilliamRodgers
    • 190
    • RETWEETS
    _solarflareTankCesarlandonallmightynippert25Grundoon67SSCCTampaflanterventionFattMernandez
    ashley_barnhill
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, "Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat's meow."

    • 460
    • FAVS
    hurlariouseiffeltowerchiPeachCoffinbrookejenaworkthebellowsspankYOface13SternoShotsDeanOkay
    • 224
    • RETWEETS
    mbozalinathekerororistworkthebellowsSternoShotsRL631r3ptar91kittenkutthroatkingnathalee
    awescar
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    My sister is in charge of more than 30 employees. I'm in charge of not drunk cartwheeling in the street again.

    • 527
    • FAVS
    Humor_FetishJasonBerlinKelsaDMGtoohighforwordsSpeakingKellykrussell2012amerahamlincolnSarahhBelll
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    Amy_KitkaHickfromlickligga_luBolson29ColemanSumrallSFS46The_SativaDivatoohighforwords
    infamousone96
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Just saw this little kid try to pay for his dinner with a toy car. What a dick.

    • 514
    • FAVS
    scaryfnduckPBOnMyGucciVenusRockHobbitJedi_dogMichelle_GagnonannapowowwGoTeamMeganmichaeljdawson
    • 139
    • RETWEETS
    AdolfTickleraveryMFwalkerHomecheezHolyToledoKaylaBen_clark75malachygrantppulitididyeayyyye
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me & I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.

    • 491
    • FAVS
    kylan_derpHumor_FetishSpinacofreakydayout2____jenn_angeliczerodecorumgthall1tyroprate
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    freakydayout2____jenn_angelicMrOrenWagnerghostfeelersJake_SniffHannahSativakylan_derpJamie1947
    greenteam15OhNoSheTwitnt
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Your husband's super cute, is he single?

    • 461
    • FAVS
    Humor_FetishthisisamERICA7cydneyenNE1C_JennSamGrittnerunauthoredBrandonEsWolfJonJon_Brown
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    thisisamERICA7cydneyenjugiearmstrongtroublewithlisaManda_like_wineBob_LawblawNickadooAlastor666________
    anjadrischHome_Halfwaythedayofthedot
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

    • 473
    • FAVS
    Eoinh184spiewarcsarah6804Austin_Hobbs94KizewichannahminnesotakatsuyakyokoHoulihanNell
    • 124
    • RETWEETS
    TABlacketervictoriavelvettr_wolfcastleSortaBadfavstar_historytonya_jane07MyFunnyRetweetusedwigs
    thedayofthedotARobustLoofahManda_like_winerorynotroyOhNoSheTwitntMorganJ7MsCarlissima
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    I've been mouthing, "Help Me" into security cameras for years but no one has yet. :(

    • 441
    • FAVS
    Humor_FetishTateRyannKaptainshitshowjessbirdieeHappyHanselgreyascensionpinarwastakenwizardofwoz1
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    soonaorlatercaustichazmatdapptrapannastroombomherhollownesssdemke5Nitevibesjohnerr
    greenteam15
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Gym Me likes completely different music than Car Me. Car Me thinks Gym Me is an embarrassment. Home Me is drunk.

    • 409
    • FAVS
    atleembmonastasiagobrownnBen_PierdeathsquadbratTeejayRushAliciaHawkesyecatsyecats
    • 118
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushHolyToledoKaylachestercheeto05Playing_DadLechelle_SmithDDown11HeatherDeanneBeckenheimowitz
    ABurgerADay
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    I don't crave vodka. I crave how much cuter everything is after I've had the vodka.

    • 357
    • FAVS
    Humor_Fetishbehindyourbackjenn_angelicThateverydayguyPoguePhilosophyVerifiedDrunktigersgoroooarbarmyb0b
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    jenn_angelicKortneyFacebethvnymellajonesssshaaarjanRazzleNblu_kellypotvinHome_Halfway
    SortaBadIm_Tricia
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    Still haven’t gotten over the fact that Pluto and Goofy are both dogs and that the babysitter showed me his penis.

    • 387
    • FAVS
    Humor_FetishPeachCoffincouchdweller______jinkiescoobdell_yeahWalkingDumpsterTurbo_Jimmyinviso
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    VanityBruisesWalkingDumpsterJamie1947LouisAlkire______sfreeze6CarinaMildenberSusanneMantelloribuckmajor
    SCbchbumiheartsoupsCARBAJALme
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    My nephews left juice boxes in my fridge. I added Grey Goose and I'm calling them "Goose Boxes." Wanna hang out?

    • 314
    • FAVS
    Humor_FetishdeKenstructionbehindyourbackEenfidelPoguePhilosophyCareyMearsbrianvanderark1_holy__diver_
    • 102
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyIzzi_SkyybradyhauptkimoyhenryHome_HalfwayspazrunsnySusanneManteljimandrewsmusic
    defnotscottawescar
  • Kendragarden
      Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden

    There is nothing in the world more depressing than reheated french fries.

    • 293
    • FAVS
    samgoesglamHumor_Fetishbehindyourbackjenn_angeliccouchdweller______erdog126DainaBerzinalaur_mann
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    pseudognosctiaFTWmagicmegglesJamie1947spazrunsnycherylmuhrsfreeze6geomathew8
    gigglegirlnoelCoy0teUgly________
@Kendragarden

@Kendragarden
Pro

My writing's been in Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, xoJane, Hello Giggles, Marie Claire, Thought Catalog & some swell anthologies. Bustin' makes me feel good.