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Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.
Kids, the 90s were great. There were free postcards in coffee shops & free drugs in clubs & no one took a photo of anything ever.
Every so often I'll think, Pretty cool how you're reading my mind, just in case someone's reading my mind.
A dude at the coffee shop said women in TV aren't as creative or as successful as men so I yelled "SHONDA RHIMES" at him & moonwalked away.
Things got sorta tense last night when my sister told my husband that Firefly was "a piece of shit" & we left her on the side of the 405.
Norwegians use ‘Texas’ as slang for ‘crazy’ which makes sense because Texans use 'bless your heart' as slang for 'I'm planning your murder.'
I'll be there at 9ish, heavy on the ish, know what I'm saying?? Yeah, I'm not coming.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!
Him: I'll be in a meeting. Text me if it's an emergency.
Me (texting): THEY'RE MAKING MORE GILMORE GIRLS EPISODES I'M CRYING
I've been mouthing, "Help Me" into security cameras for years but no one has yet. :(
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, "Here's your Christmas juice," and now he's the one I'm leaving everything to.
Is "motherfucker" one or two words? (I'm writing a Valentine.)
Instead of going to Coachella this year, I'm going to braid feathers in my hair and listen to my iPod in a port-a-potty.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
A 16 lb. baby was born in Texas. If you eat the whole thing, your ENTIRE DINNER IS FREE, Y'ALL!!!
Baby Boomers are from '46 to '64, Gen X is from '65 to '80, Gen Y is from '81 to '96 and Millennials are from fml to can't even.
I'll point out every dog we ever see ever because I don't want you to miss out, man.
Writer (seen in Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, xoJane, Thought Catalog, etc.), ex-Texan, part Ewok. Instagram: Kendragarden Web Comic: @FuckinAdults
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