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Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Instead of going to Coachella this year, I'm going to braid feathers in my hair and listen to my iPod in a port-a-potty.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, "Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat's meow."
A 16 lb. baby was born in Texas. If you eat the whole thing, your ENTIRE DINNER IS FREE, Y'ALL!!!
Every so often I'll think, Pretty cool how you're reading my mind, just in case someone's reading my mind.
My sister is in charge of more than 30 employees. I'm in charge of not drunk cartwheeling in the street again.
I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!
Just saw this little kid try to pay for his dinner with a toy car. What a dick.
You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me & I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.
Your husband's super cute, is he single?
I've been mouthing, "Help Me" into security cameras for years but no one has yet. :(
Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I don't crave vodka. I crave how much cuter everything is after I've had the vodka.
Still haven’t gotten over the fact that Pluto and Goofy are both dogs and that the babysitter showed me his penis.
My nephews left juice boxes in my fridge. I added Grey Goose and I'm calling them "Goose Boxes." Wanna hang out?
There is nothing in the world more depressing than reheated french fries.
I'll point out every dog we ever see ever because I don't want you to miss out, man.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My writing's been in Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, Hello Giggles, Marie Claire, Thought Catalog & some swell anthologies. Bustin' makes me feel good.