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Guy next to me at Mariners game didn't stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Tweeting in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Words with Friends needs a twitter abbreviation other than WWF. I keep thinking you're tweeting about wrestling, or maybe pandas.
At my age, I just assume that any word you use that I don't understand is a Pokemon creature.
Match.com will now screen for sex offenders. As long as they aren't screening for desperate losers, I'll be fine.
I bet if we unfollowed everyone who claimed to not give a fuck, they'd give a fuck.
Just gonna say it: Guys, if you want to finish in her mouth, don't act like it's gross when she wants to kiss you after. #TeamSwallowBack
They say if you drink alone, you have a problem. Thanks to twitter, there is no longer any such thing as drinking alone.
You know someone's a tweeter when their friend does something stupid and, instead of laughing, he pulls out his phone and starts typing.
The hardest part of being an atheist is the fact that if I'm right, there's no hell for the Westboro Baptist Church to burn in.
If zombies ever come and sneak up behind us they'll see twitter over our shoulders, read a few tweets, and then look elsewhere for brains.
Hitler died May 1, 1945. Bin Laden died May 1, 2011. This proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, not a goddamned thing.
Single people complain about being single. Married people complain about being married. Seems like the key to happiness is fuck-buddies.
I'm just a guy, looking at a girl, wondering why the cops want me to come down from this tree so badly.
Twitter: Where everyone hates hipsters, but heaven help you if you like popular stuff.
TB supports Chris Brown? Team Breezy needs to just come out and say that they support domestic violence. Or are idiots. Or both.
I wrote a prequel to The Neverending Story, called The Abruptly Ending Story. Once upon a time, there was a story. Then it ended. The end.
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