I hate the way my Ryan Gosling poster stares at me when I'm jerking off in front of my Ryan Reynolds poster.

Sometimes you really have to sit back and wonder how many times Winnie the Pooh talked Eyore out of suicide.

(Girl from Facebook)
"I love my husband!"

(Same girl on Twitter)
"I need to get ass raped by 10 Black guys!"

Hey girl at the gym with the new fake boobs that thinks shes really hot now, ummmm, What about the ugly face & flat ass?

When you register for Twitter, you basically stamp your ticket into Hell. I'm SORRY JESUS!!

Since when did the Chinese stop making our railroads!?

Ryan Reynolds just accepted my invitation to my prom. Little does he know, I'm not an 18 year old high school girl and there is no prom.

I remember the first time I had sex, Father Johnson was so nice. Treated me to Snowballs afterward.....Snowballs.

Whats more wierd than a naked hairy, Fat guy eating raw tuna out of the can in the gym locker room? I can't think of anything at the moment

O M G! I just popped wood at my grandma's retirement home! I'm sick, and need help.

You know there was a lot of anal going down in the Smurf Village.

What constitutes "Twitter Elite? Having 1,000 followers and not starring or re-tweeting shit??

When I reach 500 followers I'm going to commit suicide. I want to end life on a high note.

Some fat, old, lady Indian with no teeth, is licking her gums while starting at me do my tricep workout! I may bang her in the locker room!!

Hey motorcycle guys who make dramatic lane changes, I hope you crash and die.

Hey fellow guys who are thinking of waxing your pubes.....DO NOT F'N DO IT! Two words: Blood. Screaming.

Apparently it does not matter if I Tweet or not, 284 followers it is.

Hey assholes who are too good to RT or Star.....! Good job!

If I had a theme song, it would be Banarama's "Cruel Summer." That way I could walk around all day with a backpack on doing Swan Kicks!

Twitter: the place you go to make sure you get into Hell.

Or as the Jews say, "Crucifixion!"