Social media has been great for identifying which of my childhood friends are functional illiterates.

If God is omnipotent, why can't he get me to believe in him? Seems like a pretty easy task for someone with omnipotence.

"Well, we'll just see about that." --- me, just before seeing about that.

I'm shy and polite about all things except usurping an outlet to charge my phone. I'll unplug your dialysis machine if I have to.

Just crawled under a truck to change a tire while fighter jets flew overhead. Gonna go eat some beer and pimp slap a mountain lion.

Instead of "okay," I'm going to say "Old Kinderhook." Because I know U.S. history and I hate the idea of having friends.

I'm like a reverse Benjamin Button.

I'm playing a drinking game: every time I want one, I take a drink.

Note to self: get better at remembering things.

Let's all not be dicks.

Where did you learn to drive? Because you didn't.

This handmade soap smells like a Phil Collins song.

Leaving the dead cockroach on the hotel comment card ought to do it.

What the fuck? I quit smoking 14 months ago. I jog for 90 seconds and my trachea falls off. I call bullshit.

It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. And it's even easier not to be an asshole in the first place.

I lost the game of "Who Can Say 'Good Morning' Most Confidently?"

This guy's coming to live with us tomorrow. pic.twitter.com/cqCt8CmdW2

No fireworks around the hotel. So I'm gonna put a fork in the microwave.

Gonna give blood tomorrow. Planning to give coy answers to questions about my sexual history.

If you rob another of dignity, you will find in me an enemy for life.