There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

My music teacher said "Cello" as he walked in this morning. I considered fighting him for making that joke, but violins is not the answer.

There's no feeling quite like hearing a wheelchair enter the bathroom while occupying the handicapped stall.

"Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you're terrible at this." - piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

If you confuse "there" for "they're", don't even try to be friends with me.


Their, I said it.

By throwing in a second worthless product for free, that infomercial won me over.

My waitress at Red Lobster gave me three refills. We're kind of like dating or whatever it's complicated don't ask questions.

Tomorrow at work, walk in and slam down a stack of coloring books on your boss's desk, point at him, and say: "I need these done by three."

Girls: “This is a good picture of us!” = “This is a good picture of me!”

Behind every extreme couponer, there's an angry middle-aged man just trying to buy some salsa.

You want me to MAIL it to you? Sure man, as soon as I'm through taking my horse-drawn carriage to the general store to buy sugar and spices.

If you can take a CD case wrapper off without getting frustrated then congratulations, warlock.

I often use "unnecessary" quotation marks.

Every one of us has shown at least one person Google Earth, then proceeded to look at them and say, "Isn't that awesome?"

You know what?...







I think I WILL send an error report.

Life has yet to present me with an opportunity to exclaim, "Come on, I'll explain in the car!"

All I want in life is one chance to look in my rear view mirror while being followed by matching SUV's so I can say, "..We've got company."

I must be getting old. I just said a certain car would be "comfortable to ride in."

Also, it takes me 9 minutes to urinate.

I always go to the hot black cashier at Wal-Mart, so when she sees I'm buying both Coke and Pepsi, she knows I don't discriminate.

My mom's car has a "My Kid Goes To College But Isn't Really Good At It And Might Drop Out And Is Kind Of A Loser" bumper sticker.