I was bitten by a hipster last night, and when I woke up this morning, I had a fridge full of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Tumblr account. #scary

Kate Middleton is admitted to hospital for acute morning sickness. Meanwhile, an Ethiopian woman gives birth while being chased by a lion.

If it weren't for my mother's incredibly low standards and my father's lack of options, I wouldn't be here today.

Paralegal Activity #BoringHorrorMovies

If eating a whole bag of croutons is wrong, then we're all out of croutons.

Whenever I'm at a wedding reception, I always ask the DJ to play Journey's "Separate Ways" and then stare at the bride for the entire song.

The only reason I'd ever have children is for spare parts.

How I Met Your Mother at Auschwitz #depressingsitcoms

I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do Hitler) #replacesongnameswithhitler

If anyone needs me tonight, I'll be rehearsing with my Bob Seger tribute band called "Close, But No Seger".

"Put me in coach!" - John Fogerty booking a plane ticket.

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback and Avril Lavigne announced their engagement today... and to think people get upset over same sex marriage.

Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

I'm going to assume that Maroons 1 through 4 were just as annoying.

6 x 6 x 6: The Lumber Of The Beast

Charlie Sheen fired from "Two and a Half Men". Meanwhile, Ted McGinley turns off the tv, puts on his shoes and waits by the phone.

If God truly did make all of us in his own image, he has a lot of questions to answer regarding the people I see in Walmart.

It's a shit day, but it's also a good day to remember the amazing people in our lives. We make each other better by simply being there.

I imagine sex with Kate Gosselin would be like trying to mount a scowling pile of elbows.

Jason Statham is "Jason Statham" in "JASON STATHAM" featuring Jason Statham as "Jason Statham". #comingsoon