Turns out if you see a sign in a hospital that reads, 'Stroke Victims', it isn't a command.

Finally upgraded to a double-sized bed. Now I will enjoy the luxury of feeling twice as lonely.

Women are like cats. When you suffocate them they die.

My milkshakes brings all the boys to my kitchen, where I keep my blender, as that is where they are generally prepared.

Even if a policemen is wearing a stab vest, you can still hurt his feelings.

Cyber sex sounds a lot more exciting and futuristic than webcam wank.

Give a man a fish, he will eat that fish. Teach a man he is a fish, he will swim about all day, bringing shame on his family.

Religions go out of business when they stop making any prophet.

If I was in the fashion police my favourite joke would be pointing at people's ugly jumpers and shouting, "Pullover!"

A short film I created with @coollike and shot by @ciaranobrien is finally ready. It's called The Tea Chronicles  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtsXLxwuCIg …

I put the laughter in slaughter.

Almost all of the texts from my dad say, "ok".

Giving up on a book feels like shutting the door on an alcoholic friend who swears they will change, but keeps disappointing you.

I'm preparing for the end of the world like there's no tomorrow.

Must remember to stop making eye contact when licking a yoghurt lid.

People are starting to find the term 'Tart' offensive, so instead I'm baking 'Strong and Independent Women'.

Always wanted to be a street juggler but I never had the balls.

This is the best thing that's happened to me today. pic.twitter.com/oYZNtuBF

The bad thing about cold sores is that they keep coming back. The bad thing about dinosaurs is that they're never coming back :(

Did you know that 70% of a person's body is made up of water? Therefore hugging someone is a lot like taking a bath.