I always get happy when I see horrible parenting knowing that there will be strippers available to my kids when they get older.

Kim Jong Il is dead but WWE is trending. I love America.

I'm going to name my middle child Ampersand so I can type things like, "my three kids Jenny & Johnny..."

I've done the math and there is no sleeping position in physics that could make me wake up with this hair.

Dear Porn; I really don't think you're supposed to put your fist in there.

Try imagining that when people use the term "Christmas Shopping" they mean "Masturbating" it makes office conversations 96% more tolerable.

If you've never had a fluorescent lightbulb thrown at you, you've never really been in love.

If I were Italian, I would occassionally put on a suit and ask strangers if they could "do me a personal favor" and watch their polite fear.

My favorite Christmas movie is "Seven" Gweneth Paltrow's head in a box is the ultimate "Gift of the Magi"

How long do you think it takes mechanics to stop giggling when a woman asks them to check all her fluids?

The scariest moment of my childhood was the moment I realized that no matter what I do, I'll never get away from me.

nerds never have a problem taking it to the next level.

You already know me. I'm just hitting the reset button.

If 16 year old me ever found out that I hadn't slept with Alanis Morissette yet he'd be so fucking pissed.

If a girl comes over for sex every Sunday night but never officially tells me she's coming over am under any obligation to clean my house?

If awkward had a champion, I'd proudly be walking around with the belt.

Where does one purchase a cock sized santa hat?

Hey look at what I can make your toes do!

If there was an album called "Not Assholes" these folks would sing backup. #FF @lgwenn @travleblanc @canadiancyn @rare_basement

A comma is just a period that's like, whatever.