Look, asshole, just pretend you don't see the fucking typo.

So is this how it works? I sell my soul and you guys click the little star?

It'd be awesome if the government had an IQ requirement for anyone trying to be a parent.

When you can't think of a good punchline, just curse. It works because fuck

If my wife told me to sleep on the couch, I'd just play Halo at max volume all night

I'm just worried that our twitter bromance is fading because you didn't star the one about bacon

Last time I lost followers this quickly, I was the line leader in grade school

"I'm just gonna unfollow every single one of you and start over." - Me, every day

I'm pretty much the same as I was 5 years ago except now I tweet during awkward moments instead of pretending to text

softly whispering, "yolo" as I hit "send all" in my drafts folder

I couldn't be funnier if I tried.



I know, I've tried

Don't give me that "Twitter unfollowed you for me" bullshit.

Yes, that's a salami in my pocket... But I AM glad to see you.

Facebook: people you used to know, and it's probably better that way.

Twitter: people you'll never know, and it's probably better that way.

Didn't wear a condom last night but it's okay because I didn't have sex either

I'm so broke that I just bet someone 30 cents, lost, and can I borrow 19 cents

Hey I just stalked you.


And this is crazy.


But here's some stars.


So follow maybe

Why are random people retweeting my subtweets?

Retweet me because I'm even funnier out of context

No one's texting me back so I'll just assume my awesomeness brought them to tears and now their screens are all blurry