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But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
Why does my shower curtain have to be such a girl?
I got it slightly wet and it won't leave me alone.
I used to be a man trapped inside a woman's body...
Then I was born.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
I saw that TV show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die."
They missed the obvious one though: Shout for fucking help.
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
I like to piss off iPad owners by listing photos of what I'm selling on eBay, upside down.
Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...
Anybody who can hijack a plane using tweezers deserves the fucking plane.
I yawned so loudly this morning, a female Wookie knocked on my door and asked for sex.
A woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading, "For sale clitoris licking frog."
She goes in and the shopkeeper says, "Bonjour madame."
The time of year the whole family gets together to remind themselves why they spend the rest of the year avoiding each other.
Did you realise the word "Saturday" has "turd" in it.
Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life...
A man using Apple's new Maps walked into a bar...
Or maybe a café, or it could've been a hotel... Who knows.
Don't follow me, my map reading skills are abysmal. I'm a 20+ year season ticket holder at @OfficialKillie as well as a DJ @HBSARadio.