I wonder if I will feel it when I snap and go bat shit crazy

Holy shit! My first star, not sure why? (42 yr old stuck in my room) but I'm still thrilled!!!

I just called someone an asshole 3 times, that's good morning on twitter, RIGHT?

Fun Dip...you have 3 flavors and 2 sticks. I need 3 sticks please :-) thank u

I have been sober 1371 days, that is all, move on

Rockstar drinks are known around here as Mormon Meth? ~very strange they named their fav drink after a drug~ way to go Mormons

I sit and read all your jokes to re-live my drinking days, you keep me sober and laughing

I don't want to work tomorrow, can someone tweet me the flu? I've been licking stuff all day...and nothing

You are better than a bowl of Corny Snaps with Saturday morning cartoons.

Help! I just walked in on my hubs watching a twilight movie!! He was asleep but still...it was on the TV

Today it's acceptable to give your family the bird

Sitting at an interchange waiting for the light to change. Fuck me there is no light

May the fat man leave everyone lots of spirits and weed under your tree.

Merry Christmas to some of the funniest people I don't know

You know it's bad when the dog farts and hurry and leaves
My hair is falling out...eyes burning, can't breath.

Bought a movie for a friend for Xmas they wanted, it's ok to watch it before I wrap it right?

Told the kid I'd type his paper if he made dinner...dumb sucker. I'm done and he's still cooking

Gramps: some thing has died in your bulldogs ass.
Me: what, you thought all this time the smell was from me??

Watching a miracle bra infomercial for 30 min, this is what happens to the twins later in life

I have my Christmas lights on, if any of you want to come kick my ass or egg my house

Friend put pic of boobs and got 40 followers in an hour. I have working boobs not unemployed boobs, I'll give u a break and not share mine