You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Ended a relationship today. Don't worry, it wasn't mine.

If you do one thing today, please let it be me.

Oh put your damn tits away already, show some creativity.

If you don't know the difference between right and wrong, wrong is the fun one.

I am woman! Hear me lie and say it's fine.

Guys, if you scream at the sight of a spider, I'll kill it for you and I'll still have sex with you, but know, I'm going to be on top.

I wish daughters on some of you.

I get it, you have a crush on her, you don't need to retweet every god damn thing she says.

Commercial production of Candy Corn began in 1898. They made all of it that year. Every piece. Ever.

Boys, there will be no milkshakes until you finish the yard work.

Faking an orgasm just encourages bad behavior.

I've thought about it, and the reason I'm single is because I've thought about it.

If you don't read my tweet, you can't have any pudding. How can you
have any pudding if you don't read my tweet?

I don't fake orgasms or sarcasms so if you've gotten either out of me, you've deserved it.

I just uncrossed my legs and heard crickets.

Wonder if Dick Cheney shot the donor himself.

The USA has the right to bear arms. Here we have the right to bare breasts. Both can cause bodily fluids to escape. Choose your weapon.

If I had a boyfriend he'd be getting on my nerves right about now.

It's a good thing I don't pee with a penis, I'd be too tempted to put my thumb over the end and spray it everywhere like a garden hose.