My profile headline on Christian Mingle says "Christ gets to come more than once, why shouldn't you?"

I really don't care if you know how to cook.

I can make myself breakfast in the morning. However, I can't wake myself up with a blowjob

Like a junkie, I grasp my phone.

I just need a fix.

Your voice, so intoxicating to my senses.

I set the phone down. I've won.

This time

I haven't been myself on here.

I haven't been myself in the real world either.

If you don't mind, I'm going to work on fixing that first

Since it's not possible to impregnate my belly button anyways, I have to say my vasectomy has really just gone to waste the last few months

I really thought I'd have my own action figure by this point in my life

You'll never see things clearly if you don't step away from the person blowing all the smoke

Will you be my girlfriend?

⊙Yes

⊙No

...I haven't been very good at dating since this stopped working

When caught in a struggle between what my heart feels and what my mind thinks, I do the logical thing and trust what my penis wants

To check for glaucoma, the woman shot air into my eye 4 times because she kept missing.

A guy could have done it in one try.

Accidentally

I save all of my debauchery for Easter weekend.

That's when Jesus is dead for three days, and can't see any of my sins.

Ross and Rachael made falling in love, out of love, in love, out of love, and back in love again look so damn easy

Seems that "The best things in life are free" is not a valid argument when attempting to negotiate with a prostitute

I'm not sure what makes me feel older...

Taking a nap before going out on a Saturday night, or sleeping straight through to Sunday morning

Cop pulled me over for my windows being "too black".

I bet he wouldn't have had a problem if they were too white.

Fucking racist

Love bites.

And preferably leaves bruises and scratch marks as well

Don't ever log off and leave this place!!

There are some real fucking psychos out there.

You're much better off with the psychos in here

Me: I hate my fucking job

Lady: I go to church every week, please don't use that language around me

Me: Fine. I hate my God damn job

I want to take some of the boob avi's here, put them in a big circle on the floor, and walk around them playing a game of Slut Slut Dude

@the_sculptress keeps screaming at me,

"Do it again. More! More! I can't get enough!"

I'm not a machine Joëlle.

I'll tweet when I want