How often are you supposed to change your condom? I've been wearing the same one for 3 days now and my penis hurts. I wish I had a dad.

I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

When I'm stopped at a crosswalk. I like to rev my engine so that the pedestrian knows, I had a choice, and I LET them live.

Its weird how girls are funny on twitter, but not in real life.

Just found out that my twitter crush is a bot and she doesn't really have free ipads.

Guys with pony tails! Save some pussy for the rest of us, damn.

I heard someone say "period fart" and now I don't know how to talk to women.

I eat my favorite foods in slow motion so that they last longer. It only gets really weird with bananas.

I was going to try to build a robot, but then I remembered how stupid I was.

I had a dream that Helen Keller's ghost visited me. She said "Top monkin fan ob meh".. I have no fucking clue what she was trying to say.

I'm scared to have sex because one time my dog got stuck inside another dog.

My grandpa said that back in WWII they only had married or single relationship statuses on facebook.

Sometimes I can't sleep because I miss Outkast so much.

Sitting on my couch with my shape-ups on, a snuggie, and a shake weight. So, yeah I workout.

I was bullied almost every day in school. I finally got the nerve to tell my parents, dad said "you wanted to be homeschooled, you pussy!"

I just made eye contact with a cute girl at a stop light. Am I supposed follow her home? Dating is hard.

I want kids one day, but not until I'm sure nothing else good can happen in my life.

Wrong number from Iowa text me again. "Let's leave at 7:15. Might be traffic on I90. See you in the morning." I text back, "k, love you."

I used to have to beat girls off with a stick, but now I just use my fingers.

No matter who it is I always say I love you before I hang up the phone.